Where Do They Go?

Where does a young boy go when he is not good enough for his mother?
He works harder to be a 'good boy.'

Where does that boy go when he finds that he is still not good enough?
He goes underground. He does the dance that pleases her, but does not walk in truth. He makes that chameleon-like dance his way of life.

Where does a young man go when he has performed his way through childhood and young adulthood?
He finds a woman to marry that is not good enough. He tries to drown out the 'not good enough' sounds with chasing money and other women. It is not good enough for him. Amid all of the performances, he forgot who he really was.

Where does a young woman go when she is not good enough for her husband?
She works harder to be a 'good wife.' She looks better, she gives him what he asks, but she does not walk in truth. She is still not good enough.

Where does a young mother go when she is not good enough for her husband?
She works harder to be a 'good mother and good wife.' She molds herself into what she thinks he wants. She is still not good enough.

She is not good enough. She has lost her true self. Amid all of the performances, she forgot who she really was.

Where does a middle aged, hollowed out woman go when she finds herself lost?
Her children have given her good enough grandchildren.
She knows that she is still not good enough, but starts to wonder why? She is weary of the performances and cannot seem to keep the lies that are her life as straight as she used to.

She starts to remember glimpses of the good little girl she used to be. She remembers that she was good enough for her mother, she was good enough for her family and friends long ago.

....wait! She was once beautiful and good and strong and wise! She suddenly looks into the mirror of the past and remembers!

Where does she go?
She goes into the arms of someone who sees that she is better than good enough!
She goes to her mother who has always thought she was the best!
She goes back and remembers the truth about herself. She stops listening to the talk that tells her that she has never been good enough and starts really hearing the truth of what God says about her.

She was formed by God himself! Of course she is good enough!

Where does an old man go, who was never good enough for his mother and found that his wife was never good enough for him?

Life has a way of rumpling things....like names.

Take ours, for instance....a name that was synonymous with violence, drunkenness, murder and robbery in the home towns that John's family grew up in.

When it became my name, I laundered it, pressed it and was very careful to keep it hanging nicely. I silenced the ghosts from the past and I was proud that in our hometown, people associated our name with good and respectful things....tidy things.

...but life has a way of rumpling people.....and names...
Like the crease from the husband who lived through depression...
or the messiness from the sons who were arrested on drug charges...
How about the big crinkles from the daughter who has lived with violent boyfriends?
Then there is a large black spot from the daughter who left home and told everyone many things about us that were untrue....and untidy.
The disheveled list goes on and on. And try as I might, I can no longer protect our name from the mess.
We are undone people and must learn to live in the untidiness of humanity.

.... our Father still loves us no matter how rumpled our name gets.

My Heart

My heart has completed its breaking. I feel numb and stony about my daughters who refuse my love.

....so I will rant and vent for a moment...

Brittany sent a mass text message out that her graduation was to be June 5th and wanted everyone to come. Call me old fashioned, but I would have liked at least a call or personal invite....I am, after all, the mother here. Besides that fact, I have made it clear to her several times over that I will no longer be communicating with her through text message and that if she wants to talk with me, she can either call or is welcome to come over.

Last Thursday, Brittany's teacher and advisor called me, once again, to find Brittany. She had not been showing up, once again, for class and was, once again....not returning phone calls. Her teacher told me that she was definitely not going to graduate. She said she had gone out on a limb for her and Brittany had taken advantage of her (once again!)

I also explained to the teacher that she had not logged any PE hours and that I would not lie just to pass her (this was a home study class).

When I got off of the phone with the teacher, that was final...she could graduate next year as a "super senior" - but had not put forth the effort to graduate this year.

One week later, our son reminded us that Britt was graduating and wondered if we were going? I said, "No, she is not graduating- I just talked to her teacher..."

This morning I called the teacher again and told her that I had heard 'through the grapevine' that she was still graduating - and she said, "Well, it looks like she pulled it together...." Which really meant, "She manipulated us again...." She said they are allowing her to walk if she promised to finish her class....DUH!

Then, I boldly asked her the question that had been burning on my heart... "Why, at the first of the year, did you require a PE class for credit when she must not need the credit to graduate - since she DID NOT log even a fraction of the hours she was required to? I mean, she obviously didn't really need it. The teacher told me (for the first time) that it changed when she moved out of our home and that she told her she is doing her PE and that I don't really need to sign of on it! Trust me...I absolutely have NO DOUBT that Brittany has her teacher manipulated to the point that she wants her.

Tonight was her pretend graduation, so my husband and I decided to go out to dinner instead of pretending that our daughter was graduating. We thought a lot about it and decided that we are tired of being used.

She had the audacity to send us each a text message saying, "Thanks for showing up for my graduation."

I have already cried many, many tears today and just when I think I am dried up, I start in again. I think I am done for the night.

Judge me all you want....I am used to it. What I am also quite familiar with is that phone call or conversation AFTER someone has been used up by either one of the girls, that says..."oh, now I understand what you meant...."

I am quite familiar with the smug suggestions of younger parents who have not walked in my shoes or on the same path I have.... the ones who get their parenting skills from a magazine, book or college class.... trust me....I know....I was one of those.

Go ahead walk in my shoes....I dare you... or better yet - wear MY heart for awhile. You WILL want to give it back.

The Letter

I'm feeling blue today... I think my heart is sore.
Here is my answer to a letter that Britt sent me and I answered it in red. Keep in mind, these are NOT her words! She can barely speak a full intelligible sentence and when she writes, she uses poor sentence structure and "text talk" -

Britt,
I need to start out by saying that no matter what you do, you know that we will always love you. We have told you that every day of the 11 years you were with us.
I have stay pretty calm and even about your antics up until now. There is one thing I will no longer tolerate, and that is to have my daughter lying about me, which is a direct attack on my character. I know that you have told different people different stories about why you are not living at home. You have manipulated the truth to say whatever makes them feel the most sorry for you. When I found out that you told the school that you were kicked out of our house and not allowed to live here, I finally got very, very angry. I'm sure you have told many variations of that story to others. Do you feel better about yourself when you lie about me?
I suggest you stop burning your bridges.

Since you are talking to everyone but me, I thought I would address this and a few other things as well.
One of your complaints to others is that I did not answer your email. There are a couple of reasons why:
1.) Although the email may state your feelings, I KNOW you did not write it. You have never spoken that way in your life and I am certain there are some words and concepts you stated that you are not familiar with. Therefore, I did not want to respond to someone else's words.
2.) Dad and I sent you an email some time ago that you did not answer.
3.) I do not like to communicate solely through email and certainly not text. So if you have a question or something to say, please call and we can meet.

I am going to copy and paste your email and respond to it line by line in BLUE. That way, you can hear what I have to say about these things.



Mom,

Thank you so much for the information that you have given me already for the applications and submitting the financial aid form for me. I really appreciate it. I've been trying to figure out the best way to explain my thoughts and feelings for the past week.

I never said "I don't have a good life," Yes, you have said (and I quote,) "My life sucks.."


I have a great life compared to others and you have taught me a lot and given me soooo much and I am truly thankful. Never noticed - you not only do not SAY thanks, you act ungratefully, unless you want something from us

Like I have told everyone else, I am not mad anymore. I did leave angry, but I think now with the time away and me getting to experience doing things on my own,
we will be able to have that relationship we never really had. And what relationship is that, Brittany? The one where we talk and do things together? That takes two people, not just me trying and you pouting when you don't get exactly what you want.

There has been so much anger and tension between us and I don't want that anymore, I want to be able to talk to you about everything and hangout, but when I was home it got to the point where i would leave very early for school and not come back until late when I could have easily worked at home. I spent so much time in my room because I wanted and needed space. Space? What the heck does that mean? Anger? From whom? Tension? One sided, except when you made poor choices.

To me it felt for the longest time that you were so controlling of my life Operative word here - FELT - you tell me WHAT and HOW I controlled you. So far, when asked, you have not been able to give me an example. Really, I would love to hear a good example.

and so protective because you didn't want me to end up like Tiffany and that's not fair to me. You apparently forgot HOW MANY, MANY TIMES I said to you that you were NOT Tiffany and I never for one moment expected or said ANYTHING that even remotely put that expectation on you. I do believe that you must have said it to yourself. In this house, you were not compared to your sister....ever. And THAT'S not fair to me.

Tiffany and I aren't the same people, I have a mind of my own and I just wish you could actually realize how responsible I really am, but you just see me as a kid who needs to be controlled. I'm starting to wonder what your definition of 'controlled' means. If you mean that any household rules and/or responsibilities mean controlled - then I guess you are right. As you will find out at some point, there MUST be some order to a family. You suffered under the rule of cleaning your bathroom once a week, maybe...if you felt like it. Or how about the 'control' of the phone I was paying for. I thought the rules of decency were good for this. Such as no middle of the night calls, no calling or texting during school (teachers thank me for this). Or maybe the one that says, "homework before play". I think the very worst and most oppressive one was 'tell the truth.' Hmmmm....I am blanking on any other rules around here.... can you think of any that I am missing? Yes, you do hear sarcasm in my voice.

Just like every other kid out there I have given into peer pressure and tried a couple things which I'm sure you already know, but that was out of curiosity and I don't do those things. I am very responsible when it comes to things like that and to me it feels like you think I can't handle myself in the real world. I know I am responsible when it comes to big decisions like sex, drugs, etc. and I wish you would appreciate that. I know Tiffany completely screwed up her life a long time ago by dropping out of school, sleeping around, drugs?, drinking? who knows, but I am a different person and told myself a long long time ago that I was not going to be like her or anyone from my biological family.
If you are not dropping out of school, then why have you not been attending?

I am doing well on my own and working more hours, still going to school, not having sex, applying for college regardless of whether or not I get in. I am trying to make something of my life. I'm motivated to do well and I want you to be a part of it. If I get in somewhere and find a way to get help paying for it, I really hope that I can spend breaks and holidays with you and the rest of the family.

I don't want to lose you as my mom - You know, Britt - that just shows how very little you know me.... In case you forgot - THAT will never happen....

or have us cut each other out of our lives like Tiffany - There is another thing you don't really know about me. Tiffany has never been 'cut out' of our lives. I have repeatedly tried to help her in so very many ways and she will not accept it. I will not try to help her any more but that does not mean she is 'cut out' - SHE has made the choice to ignore me for the last year. There is nothing I can do about that.
As for you making the choice to cut us out of your life, that is too bad, because we have always loved you and treated you fairly. You have been given much much more than most kids, but it doesn't seem to be enough for you.

because you are my one and ONLY mom and you proved it a long time ago, but at some point you have to let go and let me grow up and make decisions on my own and let me deal with the consequences good or bad. I have NO IDEA what you are talking about. I have never shielded you from the consequences of your choices. Let me state an example. A couple of years ago, your grades and attitudes started going downhill. I talked to you about the possible consequence of homeschooling you if you couldn't pull it together. You continued on your downhill slide for the next entire year, until you started lying to us on a regular basis (example: going somewhere other than where you said you were going.) When you made those choices, you also made choices for the consequences, which, at the time, was homeschool. I 'let you go' a long time ago - you just did not see it. Someday you will, I promise.


That is the only way I can truly learn to take care of myself because I won't always have you there to save me. I am a big girl now and I need you to see that you have done an amazing job with me, What is amazing? You left us for greener pastures, why do you say amazing..... what does that really mean?

but its time for me to do it on my own. I would love you to be a part of things I do such as college because its a big thing and I want my parents to be a part of it.

Me moving out never really had anything to do with you. It did at first because I wanted to get away because I felt like was suffocating, but now I just think it will be a good experience for me. I became to bitter and unpleasant towards everyone and I know you think it was because of my friends, but I was irritated with them all the time too. I was adopted when I was seven and saw my birth parents up until then and I don't know what or why I became emotionally challenged, but my guess is something to do with them. It's time to stop blaming others and take responsibility for your own actions.

I need my friends in my life and when you would do things to keep me away from them, ....such as....? Oh, you mean making you stay home to finish homework? Or staying home when you got grounded for sneaking out the window? Things like that? THOSE WERE YOUR CHOICES not mine.

I became depressed and a jerk. I really don't want to be like that anymore. All that building anger and frustration wasn't helping anyone and it just drove us a part.

I feel like you blame yourself for all of the kids major screw ups. This isn't fair to yourself. Everyone made decisions for themselves and none of that stuff was ever your fault. I wish you could let that go. That is another way you don't know me. I don't blame myself. I did at first with Tiffany, until I found that this was typical for an unattached child. I did not make the choices for ANY of you and will not take the blame. I have just wanted to be the soft place to fall when times get rough. You will soon find that your choices matter - but not until you live in the REAL WORLD.


None of the kids will say what they did was your fault. We all LOVE YOU mom. You're a great mom because you care sooo much about all of us. I also feel like that was why you were more controlling of me because you didn't want me to be a "failure." I never expected you to be a failure. In fact, I do believe I have voiced quite the opposite to you. But that doesn't seem to count.

In some ways, I may seem like your "last chance" and i just want to tell you that you most definitely aren't a failure with me or the other kids. If I saw you as my 'last chance' then that would mean I 'failed' with the others. I don't see it that way at all. The three older kids have ALL made mistakes - huge and disappointing ones. But they continue on the path to health and have not run away from their problems.

Ali has everything going for her, You have absolutely NO IDEA what Ali has had to go through. She had it pretty rough when she was younger. Plus she, being the oldest, had TONS of rules. Many, many more than you even knew existed. Parents usually do that with their first and then they get smart. You have always been so jealous of her that you have not taken the time to know how and why she ticks. You only look on the surface. Too bad, because you are missing out on a pretty great sister.

Peter, yes he and Andy made huge mistakes, but he is an amazing young man because of his guidance from you and dad, Andy- I have no clue what is going on with him ever but he seems pretty well put together, Tiffany, no one can help her she has to help herself, and me I have a bright future.

I haven't made dumb mistake like drugs and sex like the other kids since I've been on my own, No, maybe you have not made those mistakes. But the mistake you have made was to hurt me deeply. Your choices now will define so much of your future life.

You are fooling yourself when you say "I am on my own." You are not. When you are paying all of your own bills and not depending on others, then you are on your own. You have been manipulating people around you and that is not a good character quality.

I'm applying for college and working. Most of the time you got after me for my grades...grades compared to jail is not bad. HUH? That makes no sense. Are you saying that you have done so much better than the boys? Comparing yourself to others is not a good thing. It makes you look like you think you are better than them.

YOU DID GREAT WITH ME and I'm not just saying this. I can't tell you how many adults have told me what a responsible person I am and its because I have learned so much from you and dad!
Sorry, Britt, but you did not learn to skip school and ignore your family from us. That is not responsible. Maybe in some areas you are, but you have quite a ways to go.
You need to believe it too! I'm sure moving out hurt you and I am truly sorry for it, but its not about you.
You talk out of both sides of your mouth. It WAS about me and how controlling you think I was...

This is for me and I want you to be in my life again and I guess now it's your decision whether you want to or not. I really hope you do soon and will encourage me now.
So, how is it working out for you? I imagine that it gets pretty lonely when you don't have a mommy around to hug and kiss, and a daddy who makes you laugh. Is it getting rough yet?

I love you mom and always will!!!!!

Love,
Britt

So here's the deal, Britt. Of course we want you in our lives. Why wouldn't we? But I have learned a few things over the past few years and I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made with Tiffany.
I can't explain in a letter everything I have learned, but one thing is that I am not going to take the blame and responsibility for your poor choices. I am very sorry that your family of origin was not good to and for you. However, we committed to loving you when we adopted you in 1998, and we have not stopped. Nonetheless, I will not be manipulated or taken advantage of by you or anyone else any longer, such as when you only contact us when you need something or want to use us somehow. I will defend myself when I learn about your lies. I will not tolerate it.
I allowed Tiffany to do it until I caught on to her and I am wiser now. I will no longer allow anyone to 'punch me in the gut' after I love them so well. I have no regrets in how I raised and encouraged you. I am sorry, however, that you pushed me away and would not allow me to love you. But only you can change that.
Someday, you will look back and be sorrowful at this episode in your life. I'm sure we will be fine eventually, but there will always be a scar.
Meanwhile, my life goes on and there is an empty spot where you were.
Love,
Mom

MOTHER'S DAY 2009

When my children were younger, I could ALWAYS count on breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. It was always toasted english muffins with orange juice and milk. An egg was added when they got old enough to cook.
It was so sweet to hear them scurrying around in the kitchen. Often, I had already been up, but had to jump back in bed and pretend I was asleep and very surprised.
The breakfast was always accompanied by a card (preferably hand made) and if they got to go shopping with their dad, they also had presents to give me.
Of course, I never cared about the presents - just the fact that God had blessed me with these treasures was enough.
...now don't get me wrong...my reference to my children is not always "my little treasures" - and if you know me - you totally understand. However, I do count them as treasures in my heart.

Today, I did hear from Tiff - she is trying to get her life together. I think she finally realizes that these things have to be HER decisions and HER effort. I suppose I have realized it as well.
However, I don't plan on hearing from Britt - she is too angry that we can no longer be manipulated. She is angry that we know that she lied about us to many people.
Am I angry? ....probably. I don't FEEL anger anymore, but it rares its ugly head now and again. I hide under the guise of not caring.
Do I care? I'm not sure. I think I don't, but then - that is not my personality.
Do I love her? Without a doubt. But I will not attend her little 'ruin-my-life' party.

So, I sit here and feel blessed and heartbroken all at once.
......still thankful.

Really Random Advice

I am a 53 yr old mother of 5 VERY different 'children' who is politely waiting for the last bird to leave the nest, and weathering prolonged and untidy visits from birds long gone. I can truly say I know what works and what doesn't FOR MY CHILDREN.

I have read every discipline and child rearing book known to man.... Christian and non-Christian. Really...I have. ..and I have tried most forms of discipline.

I was raised on spanking and was a staunch disciple of spanking....until now. My son (#2 child) came into this world screaming and angry. Every day of his life was a challenge for me. He is now 22, and if I had to do it again - spankings would be rarer than hen's teeth.

I often think regretfully that I did not understand him soon enough. I guess I still don't 'get' him, but know his personality well enough to know what is and isn't coming.

When he was 12, I read a book that changed everything and I had wished I had read it sooner. Oh, it didn't change him directly, but it changed how I saw and related to him. It is a book written by a Jewish man, Michael Gurion, called - "A Fine Young Man" (the book for younger boys is, "The Wonder of Boys.")

It helped me see how boys worked. How they express their emotion through 'bravado' - unlike the process girls go through.

I won't go into it, but the long and the short of it is: I suddenly saw that backing my son into a 'corner' all these years, had produced frustration and anger in him. I wish I had read it when he was newborn!

Here is some encouragement:

• Keeping your son close to you is probably the best thing you can do. Just remember - this will not be forever. You will look back VERY SOON and wonder where the time went - I PROMISE!
• I lived for several years in regret that I had ruined him from spanking, yelling and harshness. It took me awhile to finally say, "yes, I made these mistakes and I'm sorry, but I cannot change the past. You are old enough to make your own choices now. Make your choices from what is right, not in reaction to what was done to you." He does not yet make great choices, but they are getting better. I am crazy about him.
• Hang in there sweetie - that's about the most practical advice I have!

Yes, my son still lives in reaction to me, but he is owning himself more and more. I feel sad that I will be 'blamed' for things long after I'm gone. But I have done my very best and am becoming more and more proud of my children.

He is temporarily home and yesterday was a rough day. He was cranky and I was a menopausal woman's version of pms!

I was trying to get work done at my office and he kept needing me for things (I am always thankful to hear from him because it is rare....) Anyway, he called me - out of the blue and said, "Mom, I just want you to know how much I love and appreciate you and everything you do for me. And I'm sorry for being such a pain today." (If you knew this kid, you would wonder what narcotic he had taken!)

I asked, "Why?"

He said that he had just talked to a good friend whose mother had died and they were estranged and he wanted me to know how much he loved me.

I take 'em where I can get 'em!

...the Love Doesn't Go Away....

I suppose that until I write a DAILY blog, I cannot be considered a true blogger.... oh well. I can't add one more guilt to my life - I have enough.

Disturbed and Worn Out...
Update on the Britt saga - She has now disturbed and worn out her third 'victim.' The father of the family she is living with now has been calling us and lamenting about what she is doing to the peace of their home. ...how she refuses to follow rules of decency and thoughtfulness. ...how she is lying to them.... all of the things that I have been living with and trying to help her get past... really - they were the reasons she left, because we caught on...

Not graduating....
I got a call from her school yesterday, telling me that she is MIA and hasn't been at school for several weeks. Her advisor let me know that the 'story' they got is that we '"kicked her out and would not allow her to live at home." She was having financial hardship, so the little school she goes to bought her a cap and gown! Funny thing is....she is not going to graduate because she is failing all of her classes by not attending.

Anger, Lies and Forgiveness....
I have been patient.... now I am MAD! Weave your lies into your life any way you choose.... until you start lying about me and attacking my character. It's called 'burning bridges.' ...although, a mother always finds forgiveness for her children...it's what we do.

I won't go into more detail, but something is hitting the fan in her life.

Irony....
Here is some irony for you: her sister, Tiff, called two weeks ago and asked if she could come home after being gone for about 3 years.... a prodigal daughter, as it were....
She woke up in the pigpen and realized that she would be better off in her father's home.
She has gone out into the harsh world and found out we were not so bad after all, and wants to come home. She wants to get away from her abusive boyfriend and back to where the rules are enforced, but the love doesn't go away.

Maybe that's what I love about my family and my God..... the love doesn't depend on how you act or what you say.....
....the love just doesn't go away.......ever.

Why do people want kids?

Really, now.... there has to be more than one reason people want to have children. What are some of them?

1. To carry on the family name and bloodline.
2. To have someone to share their lives with.
3. To have someone to care for them in their old age.
4. To have someone to leave their money and possessions to.
5. To have someone to brag about.
6. Good family pictures.
7. Pressure from the in-laws.
8. Someone for their dog to play with.
9. Someone to do the housework.
10. Tax exemptions.
11. Welfare check.
12. Couldn't afford birth control and didn't have self control.
13. Didn't believe in abortion.
14. Considered abortion, but could NEVER give their child for adoption.
15. Someone to dress cute.
16. Someone to love them.
17. ______________ (add your own here.)

Why did I want children? Probably the very same reason most 'normal' women want them. It is instinctual and woven into the very fiber of us. We don't have a 'reason' - it's not really logical, it just is.
So then, why, when I begged God for children - and He gave me 5 - do I complain? I don't really have the answer for that one either, but I suppose it has something to do with human nature - never satisfied.
Giving birth and/or adopting children is the EASY part.... the hard part is the raising of them.
I do believe that with children come your greatest JOY and your deepest HEARTACHE - all wrapped up in one package! ....really....go ahead and try it.

Color me Jaded

I'm coming to the realization that I am jaded and cynical when it comes to adopting older children and the whole foster care religion.
Now don't get me wrong - I understand the necessity for the 'system' and for the children to be cared for. I understand the 'calling' that many have for foster care. I applaud and bless that - really I do.
There is, however, something systemically wrong with the entire process. From the ways and reasons they remove children from their homes of origin to the ways they choose and place children in one of many other homes down to the day that child packs their worldly possessions and walks out the door - dissatisfied.
I believe that nearly everyone involved in the entire process begins with sincerity and a true heart to help these children that don't deserve the hand that life has dealt them. .....but somewhere along the way - many get cynical and don't even realize it.

Here is a personal, yet all too typical scenario:

1. Birthparents are addicted to crack and alcohol. They have two children.
2. Father loses job because of addictions.
3. Mother gets another, quite lucrative job - she sells her body.
4. Father gets another, quite lucrative job - he sells illegal drugs.
5. They continue in their addictions, and fight and abuse one another and their children.
6. Father goes to prison, leaving two children and a pregnant, addicted wife.
7. Mother gives birth to my daughter, while addicted to crack.
8. Mother sells illegal drugs while father is incarcerated.
9. Father gets out of prison and goes back to his family and they are happy - for about a week.
10. Father becomes addicted, once again, to meth and alcohol
11. They become pregnant, once again, with another one of my daughters.
12. They live in Florida and San Diego and places in between. Looking for and/or running away from something.
13. They now have four mouths to feed besides their own. Of course they are on public assistance - but it's not enough to feed their children AND their addictions. They choose to feed their addictions.
14. Four children are removed from the home after several years of abuse and neglect.
15. They are put in three different foster homes, keeping the little girls together. The youngest is one and a half, her older sister is three.
16. The foster vatican works hard to reunite these precious children with their family of origin. After all, isn't it best to be with your 'real' family?
17. The children are happily reunited with their now highly dysfunctional family after a brief stint away.
18. The birthparents are off drugs and even got 'saved' just so they could get back with their kids, not to mention the welfare check that comes with them.
19. Within two weeks, the birthparents are back on drugs. Who would have guessed? (do you hear the cynical coming in here?)
20. The family has a new job to supplement their welfare check. Their new occupation is begging. You see, if they put the whole family out there, hold and sign and look real sad, people will feel sorry for them and give them money to feed these hungry children.... (don't you know that anyone who would stand their child out to beg with them will not be feeding their children, but their own addictions?!) This, by the way, is another form of abuse.
    Another fallout from this is that the girls have 'getting others to feel sorry for me' down to a fine science.
21. While the mother is out selling her body and the father is in a drugged stupor in a home strewn with broken glass and animal feces, the two tiny girls, now 2 and 4 are climbing on a roof down an alley. Someone spots them and calls CPS.
22. Once again, the children are taken. This time they go to a group receiving home while waiting for a foster home. They are separated from their other siblings and are quite frightened.
23. They get placed in a foster home.
24. The birthparents 'clean up' just long enough to get their welfare check...er, I mean children back. This happens...ad nauseum.
25. The family is back together momentarily, until the tiny girls are found wandering around the streets without supervision or shoes, in their underwear and are hungry and confused.
26. They are removed once again. They have experienced neglect and abuse and the 'system' keeps trying to reunite them with the very ones who have perpetrated these evils upon them. These birthparents have exposed them to drugs, drug addicts and sexual predators.
    
27. Now, all four children are in foster care. The oldest goes back to the family because she is old enough to choose. And we all know that victims choose to go back with their perpetrators, especially when they are children. She lives with this abuse and neglect and a sense of responsibility, until she is old enough to move in with her own addicted and abusive boyfriend and have neglected and abused children of her own. I'm not being cynical here, that is exactly what happened.
28. The oldest son goes back and forth, and does the foster care dance as well. His story is every bit as heartbreaking and intense.
    
29. The two youngest girls, my girls, are placed, long term, in a decent foster home. Albeit, the foster mother is a professional at this religion, but I do believe she is as good as it gets and very sincerely wants to help.
30. They live there for almost five years. There are many visitations with the birthparents, who continue to pretend they are trying to clean up their lives. They rip the girls hearts out with each visit and leave them bleeding.
31. Meanwhile, the girls' physical needs are being taken care of and the system thinks their emotional needs are as well. But of course, a bottom-of-the-barrel counselor cannot fill that hole. She only seems to make it worse.
32. Their foster mother adopts their two foster sisters of their same ages, and the girls are hopeful and sure that she will adopt them as well. She will not. She knows that she cannot deal with the needs they have. So she prays for a home for them. ...and they continue to hope that she will want them too.
33. The foster gods are telling my girls (before they were my girls) that there are people lined up wanting to adopt them (they really told them this....) They tell them all kinds of lies under the guise of building their self-esteem.
34. We hear about these girls from a friend, feel 'the calling' and start down the path that will lead us to the foster circus. We are asked to do all kinds of tricks for them. Stupid things like lock up all of the sharp items in the house; have a 6 foot fence around the pool rather than the 5 foot one we already have. Install door alarms so if one of them goes out to play with some of the critters on our acre, it will sound and we will need to run after them! After all, that mud puddle outside could drown our 7 and 9 year old girls. You get the picture. They were trying to tie the hands of the ONE family that truly wanted them. (We finally told Child Protective Services to take a hike and call us if they wanted us to adopt the girls. They did call a few weeks later and let us adopt them.) The foster system leaves a lot of pertinent details out of the 'telling' and lies about certain things so they are sure to get these girls a home.
35. The girls come to our home with so much crap, I finally had to call the foster mother and ask her to stop bringing stuff over! I was throwing it out the back door as quickly and she was bringing it in the front door. What I discovered was that the foster system (at least in San Diego County) tries to fill the holes with 'stuff'. The children want love and stability and they get 'stuff' - This, overall, was the reason my girls did not take care of or value ANY THING, and eventually, us.
36. Eleven very tumultuous years later, both girls, unable to attach, have left the only family that truly loved them and cared for them as they deserved. Since they did not learn to appropriately attach, they had no idea how to detach in a healthy way... and they left. We will stay in touch with them as they allow it, but there is little else we can do.
    

This was long and certainly not thorough, but it shows a factual path that just one foster story takes. I wish I could rewrite the story the way it SHOULD have been written.... but I can't.

Quickie

Today I am flooded with gratefulness. I probably wont have time to name all that I am grateful for, but here is a start: (not in any order - just random.....)

• Family who loves me in spite of my weirdness
• So many kindnesses that people show me each day
• Jobs for every member of my family
• A God who cares about me
• A big red dented Suburban that is paid for!
• A smaller house with a smaller rent
• My 80 yr. old mother, who just flew in tonight and is resting peacefully in the next room.
• Chocolate
• People who are younger than me and remind me of how idealistic I was at one time!
• Old friends that I have been getting reacquainted with after 30 years!
• New friends that think I'm cool.... until they get to know me :)
• My daughter, who seems to like me.
• My son, who is so very thoughtful.
• My oldest son, who brightens my days and makes me giggle
• All of the pictures and videos I took when my kids were little
• My father, Andrew Slack, who re-wrote our family tree. We now have a proud and loving heritage!
• My sweet little Mommy, who always seemed happy to me.
• My Brother, Ronnie, who is rewriting the story of his grandchildren's lives - what a blessing for them.
• My sister, Cheri, who has shown me how to grab onto God and not let go.
• My baby sister, Pammy, who remains a very positive influence no matter what comes.
• My husband, John, who is the most gifted, creative, hilarious and loving person in the world..... plus he is a great cook!

I will make another list later, but I got tired and am going to bed.

Update on the Saga

After this update, I am going to go to the more positive side of things. There are so many more wonderful things that I have experienced with adoption and I don't want to digress too far from those blessings.
Britt has been gone for 4 weeks now and has landed in her third place. She is determined to prove that she doesn't need us or our rules. ...and I have become okay with that.
....maybe too okay. We have cleaned and packed her room and are getting ready to put Grandma in it when she visits. I am picturing a sewing machine and my family picture projects in that room. Britt has called us and my husband met at St. Arbuck's with her. She, for some reason, didn't want to meet at home. (although she came home while we were not there - looking for something...) We have not begged her to come home... and we won't.
She said she is not angry anymore. My husband asked what she was angry at to begin with. It was the rules.... funny thing is - every where she has gone so far has rules.
To be honest, I am still a bit angry and hurt. If you knew all of the details of what I have been through with the other one, you would think I would have callouses over that part of my heart. But it stings nonetheless. I guess it is anger from the ungratefulness and hurt from the way she left and the stories she weaves about how controlling I am. When I asked her to give me an example of how I controlled her, she could not come up with even one. My response was that I have absolutely NO DESIRE to control anyone. That would mean my kids would stay home longer and I DON'T WANT THEM TO!!! Really, I don't.
The father of the newest 'victim' called us the other day to find out if it was okay that she was there. My husband was able to shed light on a few things, for which the man was grateful. In the conversation, we learned that this new place she chose to camp is a very strong Christian home.... WITH RULES!
Funny thing is, I have always raised my kids to be independent. I have tried to teach them to make good choices while at home so they can experience what it is like to have consequences for both good and bad choices. I guess some are just hard-wired NOT to make the connection.
Okay, I'm done with the moaning. I am worn out from it. Life is too good to lament too long!

Are adoptions really for all?

I am contemplating the title of my blog and wondering if it is honest... I mean are adoptions really for all...
I guess you could say I'm going through another 'rough patch' - I've been through my share, but I guess there are still more and it leaves me with the question, 'what if?' what if we had not adopted the girls? Would my other children be better off? Or has this 11 year ordeal been a good thing for my original family?
I would like to believe that it has shown them that we can choose to love whether or not we are loved in return. I guess the future will tell....
Britt left home two weeks ago. She was 7 when we adopted her and she was never the same as her sister. She was bright and full of promise. She didn't show the signs of being born with drugs in her system like Tiff did. She was intelligent, eager and ready to love and be loved.
She detested the things that her birth siblings did. So much so, that she wouldn't even speak to them. She told us many, many times that she had no intention of doing what her sisters and brother did. Up until two weeks ago....we believed her.
It seemed like out of the blue - she did a complete turnaround....to the dark side. In retrospect, I see it had been brewing, but she kept it all inside and put on a false front. All the while, she was working her friends and family.
She packed her bags right before Christmas and left. Just like that. We had too many rules. When asked which rules seemed unreasonable, she could not say. I wanted to know if it was the one that said she needed to let us know where she was going and with whom. It might have been the one that restricted her from going anywhere until her homework was done because she was pulling F's. Or perhaps it was the one that wouldn't allow her to talk on her cell phone in the middle of the night and during school hours - I think it's rude. Or maybe the consequences that happened when she did any or all of the above.
Whatever the case, she is gone. Just like her predecessors.
Not surprisingly, she showed up for Christmas. Beforehand, I guessed that she would collect her presents and leave as soon as was possible. She came to Christmas Eve with the family because that is when we give the kids new pajamas and have a great feast. She sneered at the very expensive pj's that I got at Victoria's Secret for her, saying they would be too big (they fit fine.) I offered to take them back (probably in a less-than-friendly tone...) but she said they would be fine.
She stayed the night so she could get up the next morning and get her stocking, the money that we gave the kids and the gifts they gave to each other. We had a lovely dinner and she left. Just like that. I did not hear ONE thank you through the whole Christmas celebration. That was probably the most unpleasant Christmas I had ever spent. I kept pretty quiet the whole time. I didn't want to share my misery with the others, so I put on a happy face.
Where does a girl like this go you ask? Well, that's the interesting part to this. They 'work the system' - it's a trait that seems to be imprinted on them.
....okay, let me just stop here and say something to you who are saying that I am making generalizations and already formulating advice for me.... I have heard it and tried it. Perhaps you have adopted kids and are certain they won't ever do anything like this....you have a 'different' way of dealing with them. You pray for them or you attended classes... or you are just a better parent than I am. That may be, but you wait until you get down the road a bit and have walked in those shoes a bit longer. You may be singing my tune. Until then, I understand your point of view...but it's wrong. Don't judge. Now, I'm done with that interruption.
Britt had been telling me for awhile that she had TONS of friends whose parents would let her live with them. Of course, I countered with the fact that she would wear out her welcome and they would not want her sponging off of them for long.
The way it works is laid out in the book, "Can This Child Be Saved?" (see blog Story by Story.)
She is now on to her second 'victim' (not including us - her family) and will continue to wear them all out with her lies. I keep thinking there has got to be an end to people who believe her and give her what she wants, but judging from her sister's path - there is a sucker born every minute. I might add - MOST of the people who take these kids in, find out soon enough that they are being manipulated and sever the relationship.
Sorry. I know I sound like Debbie Downer, but I was just wondering aloud.....