Random thoughts
I've been thinking about all of the mistakes I have made as I have meandered through this thing they call motherhood. A LOT and I do mean A LOT!
One mistake I have not made was not loving my children enough. There isn't a mother on the face of this earth that has loved her children more than me. I know it.
One of the things that I have done, plagues many of us. That is mistaking over-protecting for love.
In my current avocation, I am fortunate to be an observer of college students who are just leaving home. I manage a college bookstore and it is very, very interesting. How so?
Mommy brings in "little Johnny" into the bookstore to buy his books. After all, she did register him and choose his classes, because at 18 he is still incapable of making those kinds of decisions. Doesn't SHE know what's best? (Of course, this conversation is only going on in my head...) So, little 6'2" Johnny follows her around silently, thinking this is what all the mothers do. She has his course list and finds his books, chooses them, carries them and answers any questions directed at him. She sets them on the counter, pays for them and asks me if there is enough money available on his account for him to get the extras....or should she put more on...would I call if he needs more? Oh! and Johnny needs some software.... I turn to Johnny and say, "what kind of software do you need?" Mommy gives me the answer... I look at Johnny again and ask "what kind of computer do you have?" And as his capable but surprised-to-be-asked-a-question mouth is open ready to answer... I get the reply from Supermommy! The crazy thing is, that Johnny doesn't even look annoyed. Really... I am not exaggerating! I have experienced this more than once.
I suppose I haven't gone this far.... my kids would not have allowed it. But when they were little, how many times did I prevent them from doing things because 'they might get hurt?' How many times did I accompany them to a place where they could have gone themselves? Why didn't I teach them to use the knives to cut up tomatoes sooner? If I drive them everywhere, how will they know how to travel...take the bus...the plane?
They are almost grown now... am I still hovering? ....or am I letting them use the wings I gave them?
...just some thoughts...
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Story by Story
I hardly know which story to begin with - I have so many.
This one isn't so interesting, but it begins to give a base of understanding.
Tiff was 9 and Britt was 7 when they came to live with us. We had gone through a lot to get them because we felt like they were to be in our family. The holy foster system dangled them in front of us for months and at what we thought was the very last, they said that someone else wanted them. They quickly asked us to look through the "catalog" and see who else we would like.
From the very beginning we made it clear that we wanted Tiff and Britt, so if we couldn't have them, then we won't take any. So we politely, but firmly passed up their offer. A week later we got a call saying that the other family 'passed' on them and were we still interested. We were catching on to their game. ...and oh, it WAS a game!
We were privy to where the girls lived and it just so coincidentally happened that they lived very close to us in a home where the mother warehoused foster children. Don't get me wrong - she was a kind and selfless woman, who I believe truly loved the children and what she was doing. But most of the children raised themselves. She provided protection, sustenance and a lovely home for them. They did whatever they pleased.
Mary, the foster mother, knew of our interest, so shared openly about them to us. One of the things she said to us before we got them is that my girls were very destructive. We nodded our heads and thought 'how destructive can two little girls be?' ....little did we know!
Fast forward through some of the details, to when they came to our home to live. They both instantly started destroying things. There was and still is - not a shred of value placed on anything or anyone.
Of course, we fixed up a beautiful room for them with all of their favorite things and colors. The first week they were there, one of them scaled the dresser, up to the bookcase and pulled the entire thing down on top of them! We didn't think a thing of it, but as the weeks and months went by, we knew that Mary was right about the destructiveness.
Both girls still place value on nothing. Unfortunately, that carries over into human relationships. It has shown itself in every possible way over the past 11 years. Unfortunately, the mother (me) gets the brunt of it.
If you are one of these mothers, you will know EXACTLY what I am talking about. If you are not, you will most likely be passing judgment. That's okay, I'm used to it and I understand. I used to do that BEFORE...
I really need to recommend a book before I go any further. It has been a saving grace for me:
I just reopened it the other day when the second one left home because she can't live within our boundaries. Trust me, we have very few, but just enough to keep her safe and help guide her toward a future. The book hit exactly where I was and reminded me:
I hardly know which story to begin with - I have so many.
This one isn't so interesting, but it begins to give a base of understanding.
Tiff was 9 and Britt was 7 when they came to live with us. We had gone through a lot to get them because we felt like they were to be in our family. The holy foster system dangled them in front of us for months and at what we thought was the very last, they said that someone else wanted them. They quickly asked us to look through the "catalog" and see who else we would like.
From the very beginning we made it clear that we wanted Tiff and Britt, so if we couldn't have them, then we won't take any. So we politely, but firmly passed up their offer. A week later we got a call saying that the other family 'passed' on them and were we still interested. We were catching on to their game. ...and oh, it WAS a game!
We were privy to where the girls lived and it just so coincidentally happened that they lived very close to us in a home where the mother warehoused foster children. Don't get me wrong - she was a kind and selfless woman, who I believe truly loved the children and what she was doing. But most of the children raised themselves. She provided protection, sustenance and a lovely home for them. They did whatever they pleased.
Mary, the foster mother, knew of our interest, so shared openly about them to us. One of the things she said to us before we got them is that my girls were very destructive. We nodded our heads and thought 'how destructive can two little girls be?' ....little did we know!
Fast forward through some of the details, to when they came to our home to live. They both instantly started destroying things. There was and still is - not a shred of value placed on anything or anyone.
Of course, we fixed up a beautiful room for them with all of their favorite things and colors. The first week they were there, one of them scaled the dresser, up to the bookcase and pulled the entire thing down on top of them! We didn't think a thing of it, but as the weeks and months went by, we knew that Mary was right about the destructiveness.
Both girls still place value on nothing. Unfortunately, that carries over into human relationships. It has shown itself in every possible way over the past 11 years. Unfortunately, the mother (me) gets the brunt of it.
If you are one of these mothers, you will know EXACTLY what I am talking about. If you are not, you will most likely be passing judgment. That's okay, I'm used to it and I understand. I used to do that BEFORE...
I really need to recommend a book before I go any further. It has been a saving grace for me:
- Solutions for Adoptive and Foster Families
- This book will help adoptive and foster parents understand that they’re not alone.
- Lists common reasons for misbehavior
- Explains attachment disorder and the effects on foster/adoptive children
- Explains why traditional strategies don’t work
- Provides workable techniques that succeed with foster/adoptive children
- Provides support and parenting therapeutics that can help children become attached
I just reopened it the other day when the second one left home because she can't live within our boundaries. Trust me, we have very few, but just enough to keep her safe and help guide her toward a future. The book hit exactly where I was and reminded me:
IT ISN'T MY FAULT!
Please, I want to hear your stories....
Sunday, December 21, 2008
It Is Not Your Fault!
For the past ten years now, I have slowly and painfully become aware of the wild need for support for and among adoptive families. In particular, families who adopt older children. I guess if I'm being honest, my focus would be the mothers in the situation.
I must start with a statement that has the power to free each mother:
The truth is, if most of us knew what we were getting ourselves into in the first place we probably would have not signed on the dotted line....
.....however, we are not told about the gut wrenching difficulties that lie ahead. Instead, we are courted by the 'holy foster system' with promises of saving a child's life and getting kudos from all humankind.
We are not enlightened as to the heartbreaking results of what happens when we pour our very life's blood into a child until we get that swift kick in the teeth by the once angelic child who could not wait for their new home. The very angel who turns demonic when alone with the one who has sacrificed the most for their well being - the mother.
Conveniently left out of the 'telling' are the incorrigible behaviors of this child you just want to share the love you have with.
I have ever so much more to say, but I will stop for now. Just remember - It's NOT your fault!
Please comment and send me your stories, because I know there are thousands of you that are suffering in silence because of the judgment that you receive from others. I have lots of stories and thoughts about that..... later.
Cindie saves the world.....
I must start with a statement that has the power to free each mother:
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
If I could get one message out - that is what it would be. I have and AM currently learning this the hard way - but is there any other way to learn things like this?The truth is, if most of us knew what we were getting ourselves into in the first place we probably would have not signed on the dotted line....
.....however, we are not told about the gut wrenching difficulties that lie ahead. Instead, we are courted by the 'holy foster system' with promises of saving a child's life and getting kudos from all humankind.
We are not enlightened as to the heartbreaking results of what happens when we pour our very life's blood into a child until we get that swift kick in the teeth by the once angelic child who could not wait for their new home. The very angel who turns demonic when alone with the one who has sacrificed the most for their well being - the mother.
Conveniently left out of the 'telling' are the incorrigible behaviors of this child you just want to share the love you have with.
I have ever so much more to say, but I will stop for now. Just remember - It's NOT your fault!
Please comment and send me your stories, because I know there are thousands of you that are suffering in silence because of the judgment that you receive from others. I have lots of stories and thoughts about that..... later.
Cindie saves the world.....
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Blogging about adoption
Blogging has not been my thing so far, and I haven't seemed to have time for it. But I am very passionate about adoption, so I think that I will start throwing a few thoughts out there and hope for some discussion and some really great stories.
I will start with the beginning of my story:
I grew up in a very solid Christian home with 4 children and 2 parents. There was no abuse or dysfunction. In my memory, it was aan idyllic childhood and I have wonderful memories. We were by no means well off, but I never felt like we were poor either. Just in the middle - not a bad place to be.
There was never a doubt in my mind that I would be a mother, I never thought otherwise, but I will fill in the blanks later. I want to write about our first miracle.
We were married in 1976 and both finished school and got our lives 'started' and naturally started thinking about children.
I remember the specific place where I had a feeling that we would be adopting children. It was before we had even started trying to get pregnant and my thoughts were along the line of - "I don't really care whose body it comes from, I want to be a mother. Adoption would be just fine!" That was in our 5th year of marriage and then I didn't think much more about it until later.
In 1982 we started trying in earnest to have a baby. We started through a few tests and all seemed fine. It was when the doctor wanted me to have a laparoscopy that I decided that I would just wait and see what God wanted to do.
Child #1
One bit of advice I got when I started wanting to adopt was the very best and I still give it often. It was to tell everyone that you want to adopt. You never know where the connection for your child will come from.
So, we started praying. One day we got a call from a youth pastor that we know and he had an 18 year old young lady in his church youth group that was pregnant and wanted to reliquish her baby for adoption. We said a loud yes, and a few months later, had the most beautiful baby girl that was ever born! There are tons of details that are between the lines that I will try to fill in at another time. The main thing I often encourage people with is this: yes, adoption is expensive, but if God is in it, He will make a way.
Child #2
After our daughter was about 15 mos. old, we decided that we would start praying for another child. We wanted to space them out perfectly, so we thought 3 yrs. apart would be fine and that would give the Lord a whole year and a half to answer our prayer!
So, we quietly started praying for another child to adopt and told no one that we were. This was also the time that my husband was publishing his first book and was under a deadline. The personal computer was a very new thing in 1987, and we had just spent our entire savings on our first computer - one that he could format his book on. One week after we started this daily prayer, AND the MOMENT we walked in the door from purchasing our computer - our phone rang. It was the attorney that had helped us with our first adoption. He lived 1,800 miles away now, so we had no idea why he would be calling us, presumably out of the blue.
The first words out of his mouth were, "you wouldn't happen to want to adopt another baby would you?" With interest, I said something to the effect of him having been hiding in our house somewhere while we were praying. I also asked him why he didn't call two hours ago when we had money! He quickly told us not to worry about that part, it would work its way out.
He told us that he had been trying to find a family for a 23 year old very pregnant young woman. He had shown her 10 resumes and she read them all and asked him if he had ANYONE else. He pulled our old letter out that we had written to the first birthmother, and when she read it, she said that she wanted to meet us, that we were the right ones.
She called us the next day and we talked for over an hour. I loved her instantly and she said she would let us know in a few days what her decision was. She called in a few days and said "Congratulations!" Of course, I screamed and cried and thought we had another three or four weeks. My little man decided to come into the world two weeks ahead of time. Altogether, it was one month after we started praying for another child, that our baby boy was placed in our arms.
The money part is a story in itself. Suffice it to say, God provided every penny of all of the adoption expenses. Keep in mind, neither my husband nor myself have any rich uncles or grandparents. It all came right in the nick of time in many different ways!
Another miracle.
Child #3
I got pregnant and had a sweet baby boy. It was a wonderful experience overall and he has grown up to be amazing. But I do tell people who can't give birth that it is highly overrated anyway!
Yet...another miracle.
In between here, I got pregnant again and lost the baby at 5 months. It was sad and painful, yet I consider it God's provision that He took our son before he was born. There were indications that he had severe complications.
Children #4 & 5
We were very happy and satisfied with our little family of 3 children and two parents and were not looking to have any more additions. We were thankful for what God had given us.
One day we got a phone call from someone who had just spent the week helping at a camp for foster children, and she asked us to keep our ears to the ground in case we heard about anyone interested in adopting 2 little girls whose parents had just had their rights terminated. We said we would and afterwards, just looked at each other and both agreed that we had a feeling that we were supposed to adopt them! A few months later we had two more girls, at 7 and 9 years old.
Again, this is a very involved story, but we are now a family of 7.
There are many details and bits of life that I have obviously left out, our life has not been smooth sailing, but the story isn't over yet.
So, that's just a teeny tiny glimpse of my adoption story.
....what is yours? I would LOVE to hear it.
I will start with the beginning of my story:
I grew up in a very solid Christian home with 4 children and 2 parents. There was no abuse or dysfunction. In my memory, it was aan idyllic childhood and I have wonderful memories. We were by no means well off, but I never felt like we were poor either. Just in the middle - not a bad place to be.
There was never a doubt in my mind that I would be a mother, I never thought otherwise, but I will fill in the blanks later. I want to write about our first miracle.
We were married in 1976 and both finished school and got our lives 'started' and naturally started thinking about children.
I remember the specific place where I had a feeling that we would be adopting children. It was before we had even started trying to get pregnant and my thoughts were along the line of - "I don't really care whose body it comes from, I want to be a mother. Adoption would be just fine!" That was in our 5th year of marriage and then I didn't think much more about it until later.
In 1982 we started trying in earnest to have a baby. We started through a few tests and all seemed fine. It was when the doctor wanted me to have a laparoscopy that I decided that I would just wait and see what God wanted to do.
Child #1
One bit of advice I got when I started wanting to adopt was the very best and I still give it often. It was to tell everyone that you want to adopt. You never know where the connection for your child will come from.
So, we started praying. One day we got a call from a youth pastor that we know and he had an 18 year old young lady in his church youth group that was pregnant and wanted to reliquish her baby for adoption. We said a loud yes, and a few months later, had the most beautiful baby girl that was ever born! There are tons of details that are between the lines that I will try to fill in at another time. The main thing I often encourage people with is this: yes, adoption is expensive, but if God is in it, He will make a way.
Child #2
After our daughter was about 15 mos. old, we decided that we would start praying for another child. We wanted to space them out perfectly, so we thought 3 yrs. apart would be fine and that would give the Lord a whole year and a half to answer our prayer!
So, we quietly started praying for another child to adopt and told no one that we were. This was also the time that my husband was publishing his first book and was under a deadline. The personal computer was a very new thing in 1987, and we had just spent our entire savings on our first computer - one that he could format his book on. One week after we started this daily prayer, AND the MOMENT we walked in the door from purchasing our computer - our phone rang. It was the attorney that had helped us with our first adoption. He lived 1,800 miles away now, so we had no idea why he would be calling us, presumably out of the blue.
The first words out of his mouth were, "you wouldn't happen to want to adopt another baby would you?" With interest, I said something to the effect of him having been hiding in our house somewhere while we were praying. I also asked him why he didn't call two hours ago when we had money! He quickly told us not to worry about that part, it would work its way out.
He told us that he had been trying to find a family for a 23 year old very pregnant young woman. He had shown her 10 resumes and she read them all and asked him if he had ANYONE else. He pulled our old letter out that we had written to the first birthmother, and when she read it, she said that she wanted to meet us, that we were the right ones.
She called us the next day and we talked for over an hour. I loved her instantly and she said she would let us know in a few days what her decision was. She called in a few days and said "Congratulations!" Of course, I screamed and cried and thought we had another three or four weeks. My little man decided to come into the world two weeks ahead of time. Altogether, it was one month after we started praying for another child, that our baby boy was placed in our arms.
The money part is a story in itself. Suffice it to say, God provided every penny of all of the adoption expenses. Keep in mind, neither my husband nor myself have any rich uncles or grandparents. It all came right in the nick of time in many different ways!
Another miracle.
Child #3
I got pregnant and had a sweet baby boy. It was a wonderful experience overall and he has grown up to be amazing. But I do tell people who can't give birth that it is highly overrated anyway!
Yet...another miracle.
In between here, I got pregnant again and lost the baby at 5 months. It was sad and painful, yet I consider it God's provision that He took our son before he was born. There were indications that he had severe complications.
Children #4 & 5
We were very happy and satisfied with our little family of 3 children and two parents and were not looking to have any more additions. We were thankful for what God had given us.
One day we got a phone call from someone who had just spent the week helping at a camp for foster children, and she asked us to keep our ears to the ground in case we heard about anyone interested in adopting 2 little girls whose parents had just had their rights terminated. We said we would and afterwards, just looked at each other and both agreed that we had a feeling that we were supposed to adopt them! A few months later we had two more girls, at 7 and 9 years old.
Again, this is a very involved story, but we are now a family of 7.
There are many details and bits of life that I have obviously left out, our life has not been smooth sailing, but the story isn't over yet.
So, that's just a teeny tiny glimpse of my adoption story.
....what is yours? I would LOVE to hear it.
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