Well, my intentions were to start writing more positive posts....mostly because I thought things were going a wee bit better.
But I was wrong.
This post is about Tiffany. She is 21 now. I thought that at 21 a sort of maturity starts to set in.
But I was wrong.
She called 4 weeks ago to ask my advice about the second boyfriend she has been shacking up with. He told her he doesn't want her anymore. He is cheating on her and tells her so...."should I break up?"
In my mind I say "no shit sherlock" - but on the phone I say, "Well, it sounds to me like he only wants you for sex when it is convenient for him. What more do you need to hear? He said he doesn't want to be with you anymore."
I continue to cast my pearls.... "You need someone who will cherish you. You need to be single for awhile and learn to love yourself. You need to see yourself the way God sees you...." etc.
It sounds like she is really taking it to heart. She vows to break up with him and hold her head high like I advised her.
She stays with him and asks me how much it costs to go to England because she wants to spend her leftover college money on taking him there. Dumb.
Awhile before that she asked for advice about a nasty rash. I figure it is an std and find a clinic in the city she lives in for her to go to. She asks what is an std? Apparently that public education didn't do much in that area. She says she didn't go because she didn't have the bus fare. Besides, the recurring oozing rash is better.
She calls several more times for advice, I give it, she does the opposite. Keep in mind that I never really EXPECT her to take my advice, but I feel compelled to give her the 'rightest' answer that I can...it's a mom thing.
She texts me frantically the other day for more advice. Do I think she should go to the beach house that she and her boyfriend were invited to before they broke up (they are broken up but still living together...) and she got time off work and some of her friends will be there and she really wants to go but he does not want her there and does not even want to be her friend?
I say no, you should not go. He will only make you feel bad about yourself and cause drama and you don't need that. She asks my oldest daughter the same question and she gave her the same answer I gave her. She is going to go anyway.
Today she is looking for an apartment in the town and state she lives in, which is not the same as ours. She calls me and talks about a studio apartment that she is looking at but they charge $250 deposit for cats. I explained that she is getting a deal because that is a low deposit for pets.
She texts me later and asks if we could help her out with that deposit so she could get into the $540 per month apartment. I ask her how much she makes per month. She doesn't know but thinks it is about $400. I point out that she still needs more money for the other deposit, monthly rent, utilities, groceries, cat food and litter, transportation to work and school and wondered if she had counted the cost yet and what is the plan to pay for the monthly expenses?
John texts her some fatherly advice like maybe thinking again about the military or some education because she cannot afford to pay for an apartment on her own and she doesn't want to end up with another shack up situation where she is disrespected by these guys, etc. It was kind, but firmly the truth.
That is when we got "dis-parented" - or maybe it was a divorce from her...
She texted him back and asked why is it that her only parents won't help her and always belittle and put her down. We never have faith in her and don't think she can do anything.
huh?
She went on to say that she wishes we had never adopted her and never wants to talk to or see either one of us ever again.
So there.
I guess I was wrong....about everything.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
I Just Keep Wondering....Was It Worth It?
I hope to post more positive things....someday. I just feel I have to dialog what people don't want to talk about.
One of the things that a friend said to me while we were trying to decide whether or not to adopt our older siblings (anything over 3 is considered older... ours were 7 and 9) was this: "It's not wrong to do this." That did help me and there were many other things pointing to us doing this.
That said, my older sibling group adoption experience has been very impacting on my other children and much of it has been negative. I am working on trying to undo and re-balance.
I just have to be honest and say FOR ME - that if you take all of the "God" stuff out of it, I would NEVER do it again. But, I cannot take out the fact that we really felt that this is what we were supposed to do. So, if you ask me if I regret having done this, I will not know how to answer.
I get very frustrated when I hear people saying that there are so many kids that need adopting and so why doesn't everyone do it? I used to think that all a child needed was a loving home to flourish in....(I was wrong.) I see movies like "The Blind Side" (which I LOVED!) and know that there are those stories out there, but there are also many other stories, such as the woman who "returned" her Russian adopted son. She was so criticized and judged, but nobody but NOBODY understands the hopelessness she is experiencing unless they have walked in that person's shoes.
I have a friend who adopted siblings from Romania and one of the children was so dangerous physically and sexually at the age of 12 that the 'authorities' told her that if she let her child stay in the home, they would take her other kids and charge her with child endangerment. If she made her abusive child leave the home, they would charge her with child abandonment! You cannot make stuff like this up! The story did not end well.
The judgment that was passed on me while struggling to raise these 'damaged' children in a strong, loving and godly home, was almost more than I could bear. The reason you don't hear these stories is because of the shame and guilt that is attached to the parent who just cannot seem to get it right. They think it is something wrong with THEM! If it had not been for ONE friend who was going through a similar situation and a book that I kept next to my Bible called, "Can This Child Be Saved?" I would not have "survived" it all.
Every single person who judged me (I won't name names, but I know who they were) did not wear my shoes. Actually, two people tried my shoes on for a few weeks and months (by taking my children in, for my sanity) and they brought them back to me and said, "I was wrong - I had no idea....but now I do."
I am truly not trying to discourage people from adopting older siblings, there are questions, however, that you don't even know to ask, and even if you did - it's a 'crap shoot' anyway. The agencies tell you what they want you to know, and it isn't always the truth.
The good news is: our lives are not finished, nor are theirs. We continue to "parent" through the beginning of their adulthood in the way we think is best. I do have hope that they will come out somewhere on this side of decency and do not perpetuate their birthparents dance with drugs and abuse.
We are busy trying to 'undo' the damage on our original family. I do believe that they will also, in their grown-up years, see everything as a good thing and I hope it will help them be compassionate people.
I just keep wondering if it was worth it.
One of the things that a friend said to me while we were trying to decide whether or not to adopt our older siblings (anything over 3 is considered older... ours were 7 and 9) was this: "It's not wrong to do this." That did help me and there were many other things pointing to us doing this.
That said, my older sibling group adoption experience has been very impacting on my other children and much of it has been negative. I am working on trying to undo and re-balance.
I just have to be honest and say FOR ME - that if you take all of the "God" stuff out of it, I would NEVER do it again. But, I cannot take out the fact that we really felt that this is what we were supposed to do. So, if you ask me if I regret having done this, I will not know how to answer.
I get very frustrated when I hear people saying that there are so many kids that need adopting and so why doesn't everyone do it? I used to think that all a child needed was a loving home to flourish in....(I was wrong.) I see movies like "The Blind Side" (which I LOVED!) and know that there are those stories out there, but there are also many other stories, such as the woman who "returned" her Russian adopted son. She was so criticized and judged, but nobody but NOBODY understands the hopelessness she is experiencing unless they have walked in that person's shoes.
I have a friend who adopted siblings from Romania and one of the children was so dangerous physically and sexually at the age of 12 that the 'authorities' told her that if she let her child stay in the home, they would take her other kids and charge her with child endangerment. If she made her abusive child leave the home, they would charge her with child abandonment! You cannot make stuff like this up! The story did not end well.
The judgment that was passed on me while struggling to raise these 'damaged' children in a strong, loving and godly home, was almost more than I could bear. The reason you don't hear these stories is because of the shame and guilt that is attached to the parent who just cannot seem to get it right. They think it is something wrong with THEM! If it had not been for ONE friend who was going through a similar situation and a book that I kept next to my Bible called, "Can This Child Be Saved?" I would not have "survived" it all.
Every single person who judged me (I won't name names, but I know who they were) did not wear my shoes. Actually, two people tried my shoes on for a few weeks and months (by taking my children in, for my sanity) and they brought them back to me and said, "I was wrong - I had no idea....but now I do."
I am truly not trying to discourage people from adopting older siblings, there are questions, however, that you don't even know to ask, and even if you did - it's a 'crap shoot' anyway. The agencies tell you what they want you to know, and it isn't always the truth.
The good news is: our lives are not finished, nor are theirs. We continue to "parent" through the beginning of their adulthood in the way we think is best. I do have hope that they will come out somewhere on this side of decency and do not perpetuate their birthparents dance with drugs and abuse.
We are busy trying to 'undo' the damage on our original family. I do believe that they will also, in their grown-up years, see everything as a good thing and I hope it will help them be compassionate people.
I just keep wondering if it was worth it.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Why reunification?
"...but of course, reunification is always the goal."
I have heard this said so very many times and wonder why reunification is always the goal.... ?? Why would it be the goal to reunify children with their drug addicted, abusive parents? Because of blood?
You tell that to my daughters who we got when they were 7 and 9 and already damaged beyond complete repair. They will always carry scars and baggage because some system thought it was a good idea to continue to try to reunify them with parents who kept making the decision that drugs and money were more important than these precious lives.
If 'the system' would have seen the importance of their wholeness, they would not have to go through their lives with the many and varied problems they have.
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