The Letter

I'm feeling blue today... I think my heart is sore.
Here is my answer to a letter that Britt sent me and I answered it in red. Keep in mind, these are NOT her words! She can barely speak a full intelligible sentence and when she writes, she uses poor sentence structure and "text talk" -

Britt,
I need to start out by saying that no matter what you do, you know that we will always love you. We have told you that every day of the 11 years you were with us.
I have stay pretty calm and even about your antics up until now. There is one thing I will no longer tolerate, and that is to have my daughter lying about me, which is a direct attack on my character. I know that you have told different people different stories about why you are not living at home. You have manipulated the truth to say whatever makes them feel the most sorry for you. When I found out that you told the school that you were kicked out of our house and not allowed to live here, I finally got very, very angry. I'm sure you have told many variations of that story to others. Do you feel better about yourself when you lie about me?
I suggest you stop burning your bridges.

Since you are talking to everyone but me, I thought I would address this and a few other things as well.
One of your complaints to others is that I did not answer your email. There are a couple of reasons why:
1.) Although the email may state your feelings, I KNOW you did not write it. You have never spoken that way in your life and I am certain there are some words and concepts you stated that you are not familiar with. Therefore, I did not want to respond to someone else's words.
2.) Dad and I sent you an email some time ago that you did not answer.
3.) I do not like to communicate solely through email and certainly not text. So if you have a question or something to say, please call and we can meet.

I am going to copy and paste your email and respond to it line by line in BLUE. That way, you can hear what I have to say about these things.



Mom,

Thank you so much for the information that you have given me already for the applications and submitting the financial aid form for me. I really appreciate it. I've been trying to figure out the best way to explain my thoughts and feelings for the past week.

I never said "I don't have a good life," Yes, you have said (and I quote,) "My life sucks.."


I have a great life compared to others and you have taught me a lot and given me soooo much and I am truly thankful. Never noticed - you not only do not SAY thanks, you act ungratefully, unless you want something from us

Like I have told everyone else, I am not mad anymore. I did leave angry, but I think now with the time away and me getting to experience doing things on my own,
we will be able to have that relationship we never really had. And what relationship is that, Brittany? The one where we talk and do things together? That takes two people, not just me trying and you pouting when you don't get exactly what you want.

There has been so much anger and tension between us and I don't want that anymore, I want to be able to talk to you about everything and hangout, but when I was home it got to the point where i would leave very early for school and not come back until late when I could have easily worked at home. I spent so much time in my room because I wanted and needed space. Space? What the heck does that mean? Anger? From whom? Tension? One sided, except when you made poor choices.

To me it felt for the longest time that you were so controlling of my life Operative word here - FELT - you tell me WHAT and HOW I controlled you. So far, when asked, you have not been able to give me an example. Really, I would love to hear a good example.

and so protective because you didn't want me to end up like Tiffany and that's not fair to me. You apparently forgot HOW MANY, MANY TIMES I said to you that you were NOT Tiffany and I never for one moment expected or said ANYTHING that even remotely put that expectation on you. I do believe that you must have said it to yourself. In this house, you were not compared to your sister....ever. And THAT'S not fair to me.

Tiffany and I aren't the same people, I have a mind of my own and I just wish you could actually realize how responsible I really am, but you just see me as a kid who needs to be controlled. I'm starting to wonder what your definition of 'controlled' means. If you mean that any household rules and/or responsibilities mean controlled - then I guess you are right. As you will find out at some point, there MUST be some order to a family. You suffered under the rule of cleaning your bathroom once a week, maybe...if you felt like it. Or how about the 'control' of the phone I was paying for. I thought the rules of decency were good for this. Such as no middle of the night calls, no calling or texting during school (teachers thank me for this). Or maybe the one that says, "homework before play". I think the very worst and most oppressive one was 'tell the truth.' Hmmmm....I am blanking on any other rules around here.... can you think of any that I am missing? Yes, you do hear sarcasm in my voice.

Just like every other kid out there I have given into peer pressure and tried a couple things which I'm sure you already know, but that was out of curiosity and I don't do those things. I am very responsible when it comes to things like that and to me it feels like you think I can't handle myself in the real world. I know I am responsible when it comes to big decisions like sex, drugs, etc. and I wish you would appreciate that. I know Tiffany completely screwed up her life a long time ago by dropping out of school, sleeping around, drugs?, drinking? who knows, but I am a different person and told myself a long long time ago that I was not going to be like her or anyone from my biological family.
If you are not dropping out of school, then why have you not been attending?

I am doing well on my own and working more hours, still going to school, not having sex, applying for college regardless of whether or not I get in. I am trying to make something of my life. I'm motivated to do well and I want you to be a part of it. If I get in somewhere and find a way to get help paying for it, I really hope that I can spend breaks and holidays with you and the rest of the family.

I don't want to lose you as my mom - You know, Britt - that just shows how very little you know me.... In case you forgot - THAT will never happen....

or have us cut each other out of our lives like Tiffany - There is another thing you don't really know about me. Tiffany has never been 'cut out' of our lives. I have repeatedly tried to help her in so very many ways and she will not accept it. I will not try to help her any more but that does not mean she is 'cut out' - SHE has made the choice to ignore me for the last year. There is nothing I can do about that.
As for you making the choice to cut us out of your life, that is too bad, because we have always loved you and treated you fairly. You have been given much much more than most kids, but it doesn't seem to be enough for you.

because you are my one and ONLY mom and you proved it a long time ago, but at some point you have to let go and let me grow up and make decisions on my own and let me deal with the consequences good or bad. I have NO IDEA what you are talking about. I have never shielded you from the consequences of your choices. Let me state an example. A couple of years ago, your grades and attitudes started going downhill. I talked to you about the possible consequence of homeschooling you if you couldn't pull it together. You continued on your downhill slide for the next entire year, until you started lying to us on a regular basis (example: going somewhere other than where you said you were going.) When you made those choices, you also made choices for the consequences, which, at the time, was homeschool. I 'let you go' a long time ago - you just did not see it. Someday you will, I promise.


That is the only way I can truly learn to take care of myself because I won't always have you there to save me. I am a big girl now and I need you to see that you have done an amazing job with me, What is amazing? You left us for greener pastures, why do you say amazing..... what does that really mean?

but its time for me to do it on my own. I would love you to be a part of things I do such as college because its a big thing and I want my parents to be a part of it.

Me moving out never really had anything to do with you. It did at first because I wanted to get away because I felt like was suffocating, but now I just think it will be a good experience for me. I became to bitter and unpleasant towards everyone and I know you think it was because of my friends, but I was irritated with them all the time too. I was adopted when I was seven and saw my birth parents up until then and I don't know what or why I became emotionally challenged, but my guess is something to do with them. It's time to stop blaming others and take responsibility for your own actions.

I need my friends in my life and when you would do things to keep me away from them, ....such as....? Oh, you mean making you stay home to finish homework? Or staying home when you got grounded for sneaking out the window? Things like that? THOSE WERE YOUR CHOICES not mine.

I became depressed and a jerk. I really don't want to be like that anymore. All that building anger and frustration wasn't helping anyone and it just drove us a part.

I feel like you blame yourself for all of the kids major screw ups. This isn't fair to yourself. Everyone made decisions for themselves and none of that stuff was ever your fault. I wish you could let that go. That is another way you don't know me. I don't blame myself. I did at first with Tiffany, until I found that this was typical for an unattached child. I did not make the choices for ANY of you and will not take the blame. I have just wanted to be the soft place to fall when times get rough. You will soon find that your choices matter - but not until you live in the REAL WORLD.


None of the kids will say what they did was your fault. We all LOVE YOU mom. You're a great mom because you care sooo much about all of us. I also feel like that was why you were more controlling of me because you didn't want me to be a "failure." I never expected you to be a failure. In fact, I do believe I have voiced quite the opposite to you. But that doesn't seem to count.

In some ways, I may seem like your "last chance" and i just want to tell you that you most definitely aren't a failure with me or the other kids. If I saw you as my 'last chance' then that would mean I 'failed' with the others. I don't see it that way at all. The three older kids have ALL made mistakes - huge and disappointing ones. But they continue on the path to health and have not run away from their problems.

Ali has everything going for her, You have absolutely NO IDEA what Ali has had to go through. She had it pretty rough when she was younger. Plus she, being the oldest, had TONS of rules. Many, many more than you even knew existed. Parents usually do that with their first and then they get smart. You have always been so jealous of her that you have not taken the time to know how and why she ticks. You only look on the surface. Too bad, because you are missing out on a pretty great sister.

Peter, yes he and Andy made huge mistakes, but he is an amazing young man because of his guidance from you and dad, Andy- I have no clue what is going on with him ever but he seems pretty well put together, Tiffany, no one can help her she has to help herself, and me I have a bright future.

I haven't made dumb mistake like drugs and sex like the other kids since I've been on my own, No, maybe you have not made those mistakes. But the mistake you have made was to hurt me deeply. Your choices now will define so much of your future life.

You are fooling yourself when you say "I am on my own." You are not. When you are paying all of your own bills and not depending on others, then you are on your own. You have been manipulating people around you and that is not a good character quality.

I'm applying for college and working. Most of the time you got after me for my grades...grades compared to jail is not bad. HUH? That makes no sense. Are you saying that you have done so much better than the boys? Comparing yourself to others is not a good thing. It makes you look like you think you are better than them.

YOU DID GREAT WITH ME and I'm not just saying this. I can't tell you how many adults have told me what a responsible person I am and its because I have learned so much from you and dad!
Sorry, Britt, but you did not learn to skip school and ignore your family from us. That is not responsible. Maybe in some areas you are, but you have quite a ways to go.
You need to believe it too! I'm sure moving out hurt you and I am truly sorry for it, but its not about you.
You talk out of both sides of your mouth. It WAS about me and how controlling you think I was...

This is for me and I want you to be in my life again and I guess now it's your decision whether you want to or not. I really hope you do soon and will encourage me now.
So, how is it working out for you? I imagine that it gets pretty lonely when you don't have a mommy around to hug and kiss, and a daddy who makes you laugh. Is it getting rough yet?

I love you mom and always will!!!!!

Love,
Britt

So here's the deal, Britt. Of course we want you in our lives. Why wouldn't we? But I have learned a few things over the past few years and I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made with Tiffany.
I can't explain in a letter everything I have learned, but one thing is that I am not going to take the blame and responsibility for your poor choices. I am very sorry that your family of origin was not good to and for you. However, we committed to loving you when we adopted you in 1998, and we have not stopped. Nonetheless, I will not be manipulated or taken advantage of by you or anyone else any longer, such as when you only contact us when you need something or want to use us somehow. I will defend myself when I learn about your lies. I will not tolerate it.
I allowed Tiffany to do it until I caught on to her and I am wiser now. I will no longer allow anyone to 'punch me in the gut' after I love them so well. I have no regrets in how I raised and encouraged you. I am sorry, however, that you pushed me away and would not allow me to love you. But only you can change that.
Someday, you will look back and be sorrowful at this episode in your life. I'm sure we will be fine eventually, but there will always be a scar.
Meanwhile, my life goes on and there is an empty spot where you were.
Love,
Mom

MOTHER'S DAY 2009

When my children were younger, I could ALWAYS count on breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. It was always toasted english muffins with orange juice and milk. An egg was added when they got old enough to cook.
It was so sweet to hear them scurrying around in the kitchen. Often, I had already been up, but had to jump back in bed and pretend I was asleep and very surprised.
The breakfast was always accompanied by a card (preferably hand made) and if they got to go shopping with their dad, they also had presents to give me.
Of course, I never cared about the presents - just the fact that God had blessed me with these treasures was enough.
...now don't get me wrong...my reference to my children is not always "my little treasures" - and if you know me - you totally understand. However, I do count them as treasures in my heart.

Today, I did hear from Tiff - she is trying to get her life together. I think she finally realizes that these things have to be HER decisions and HER effort. I suppose I have realized it as well.
However, I don't plan on hearing from Britt - she is too angry that we can no longer be manipulated. She is angry that we know that she lied about us to many people.
Am I angry? ....probably. I don't FEEL anger anymore, but it rares its ugly head now and again. I hide under the guise of not caring.
Do I care? I'm not sure. I think I don't, but then - that is not my personality.
Do I love her? Without a doubt. But I will not attend her little 'ruin-my-life' party.

So, I sit here and feel blessed and heartbroken all at once.
......still thankful.