I am a 53 yr old mother of 5 VERY different 'children' who is politely waiting for the last bird to leave the nest, and weathering prolonged and untidy visits from birds long gone. I can truly say I know what works and what doesn't FOR MY CHILDREN.
I have read every discipline and child rearing book known to man.... Christian and non-Christian. Really...I have. ..and I have tried most forms of discipline.
I was raised on spanking and was a staunch disciple of spanking....until now. My son (#2 child) came into this world screaming and angry. Every day of his life was a challenge for me. He is now 22, and if I had to do it again - spankings would be rarer than hen's teeth.
I often think regretfully that I did not understand him soon enough. I guess I still don't 'get' him, but know his personality well enough to know what is and isn't coming.
When he was 12, I read a book that changed everything and I had wished I had read it sooner. Oh, it didn't change him directly, but it changed how I saw and related to him. It is a book written by a Jewish man, Michael Gurion, called - "A Fine Young Man" (the book for younger boys is, "The Wonder of Boys.")
It helped me see how boys worked. How they express their emotion through 'bravado' - unlike the process girls go through.
I won't go into it, but the long and the short of it is: I suddenly saw that backing my son into a 'corner' all these years, had produced frustration and anger in him. I wish I had read it when he was newborn!
Here is some encouragement:
- Keeping your son close to you is probably the best thing you can do. Just remember - this will not be forever. You will look back VERY SOON and wonder where the time went - I PROMISE!
- I lived for several years in regret that I had ruined him from spanking, yelling and harshness. It took me awhile to finally say, "yes, I made these mistakes and I'm sorry, but I cannot change the past. You are old enough to make your own choices now. Make your choices from what is right, not in reaction to what was done to you." He does not yet make great choices, but they are getting better. I am crazy about him.
- Hang in there sweetie - that's about the most practical advice I have!
He is temporarily home and yesterday was a rough day. He was cranky and I was a menopausal woman's version of pms!
I was trying to get work done at my office and he kept needing me for things (I am always thankful to hear from him because it is rare....) Anyway, he called me - out of the blue and said, "Mom, I just want you to know how much I love and appreciate you and everything you do for me. And I'm sorry for being such a pain today." (If you knew this kid, you would wonder what narcotic he had taken!)
I asked, "Why?"
He said that he had just talked to a good friend whose mother had died and they were estranged and he wanted me to know how much he loved me.
I take 'em where I can get 'em!
