I hope to post more positive things....someday. I just feel I have to dialog what people don't want to talk about.
One of the things that a friend said to me while we were trying to decide whether or not to adopt our older siblings (anything over 3 is considered older... ours were 7 and 9) was this: "It's not wrong to do this." That did help me and there were many other things pointing to us doing this.
That said, my older sibling group adoption experience has been very impacting on my other children and much of it has been negative. I am working on trying to undo and re-balance.
I just have to be honest and say FOR ME - that if you take all of the "God" stuff out of it, I would NEVER do it again. But, I cannot take out the fact that we really felt that this is what we were supposed to do. So, if you ask me if I regret having done this, I will not know how to answer.
I get very frustrated when I hear people saying that there are so many kids that need adopting and so why doesn't everyone do it? I used to think that all a child needed was a loving home to flourish in....(I was wrong.) I see movies like "The Blind Side" (which I LOVED!) and know that there are those stories out there, but there are also many other stories, such as the woman who "returned" her Russian adopted son. She was so criticized and judged, but nobody but NOBODY understands the hopelessness she is experiencing unless they have walked in that person's shoes.
I have a friend who adopted siblings from Romania and one of the children was so dangerous physically and sexually at the age of 12 that the 'authorities' told her that if she let her child stay in the home, they would take her other kids and charge her with child endangerment. If she made her abusive child leave the home, they would charge her with child abandonment! You cannot make stuff like this up! The story did not end well.
The judgment that was passed on me while struggling to raise these 'damaged' children in a strong, loving and godly home, was almost more than I could bear. The reason you don't hear these stories is because of the shame and guilt that is attached to the parent who just cannot seem to get it right. They think it is something wrong with THEM! If it had not been for ONE friend who was going through a similar situation and a book that I kept next to my Bible called, "Can This Child Be Saved?" I would not have "survived" it all.
Every single person who judged me (I won't name names, but I know who they were) did not wear my shoes. Actually, two people tried my shoes on for a few weeks and months (by taking my children in, for my sanity) and they brought them back to me and said, "I was wrong - I had no idea....but now I do."
I am truly not trying to discourage people from adopting older siblings, there are questions, however, that you don't even know to ask, and even if you did - it's a 'crap shoot' anyway. The agencies tell you what they want you to know, and it isn't always the truth.
The good news is: our lives are not finished, nor are theirs. We continue to "parent" through the beginning of their adulthood in the way we think is best. I do have hope that they will come out somewhere on this side of decency and do not perpetuate their birthparents dance with drugs and abuse.
We are busy trying to 'undo' the damage on our original family. I do believe that they will also, in their grown-up years, see everything as a good thing and I hope it will help them be compassionate people.
I just keep wondering if it was worth it.
