After this update, I am going to go to the more positive side of things. There are so many more wonderful things that I have experienced with adoption and I don't want to digress too far from those blessings.
Britt has been gone for 4 weeks now and has landed in her third place. She is determined to prove that she doesn't need us or our rules. ...and I have become okay with that.
....maybe too okay. We have cleaned and packed her room and are getting ready to put Grandma in it when she visits. I am picturing a sewing machine and my family picture projects in that room. Britt has called us and my husband met at St. Arbuck's with her. She, for some reason, didn't want to meet at home. (although she came home while we were not there - looking for something...) We have not begged her to come home... and we won't.
She said she is not angry anymore. My husband asked what she was angry at to begin with. It was the rules.... funny thing is - every where she has gone so far has rules.
To be honest, I am still a bit angry and hurt. If you knew all of the details of what I have been through with the other one, you would think I would have callouses over that part of my heart. But it stings nonetheless. I guess it is anger from the ungratefulness and hurt from the way she left and the stories she weaves about how controlling I am. When I asked her to give me an example of how I controlled her, she could not come up with even one. My response was that I have absolutely NO DESIRE to control anyone. That would mean my kids would stay home longer and I DON'T WANT THEM TO!!! Really, I don't.
The father of the newest 'victim' called us the other day to find out if it was okay that she was there. My husband was able to shed light on a few things, for which the man was grateful. In the conversation, we learned that this new place she chose to camp is a very strong Christian home.... WITH RULES!
Funny thing is, I have always raised my kids to be independent. I have tried to teach them to make good choices while at home so they can experience what it is like to have consequences for both good and bad choices. I guess some are just hard-wired NOT to make the connection.
Okay, I'm done with the moaning. I am worn out from it. Life is too good to lament too long!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Are adoptions really for all?
I am contemplating the title of my blog and wondering if it is honest... I mean are adoptions really for all...
I guess you could say I'm going through another 'rough patch' - I've been through my share, but I guess there are still more and it leaves me with the question, 'what if?' what if we had not adopted the girls? Would my other children be better off? Or has this 11 year ordeal been a good thing for my original family?
I would like to believe that it has shown them that we can choose to love whether or not we are loved in return. I guess the future will tell....
left home two weeks ago. She was 7 when we adopted her and she was never the same as her sister. She was bright and full of promise. She didn't show the signs of being born with drugs in her system like Tiff did. She was intelligent, eager and ready to love and be loved.
She detested the things that her birth siblings did. So much so, that she wouldn't even speak to them. She told us many, many times that she had no intention of doing what her sisters and brother did. Up until two weeks ago....we believed her.
It seemed like out of the blue - she did a complete turnaround....to the dark side. In retrospect, I see it had been brewing, but she kept it all inside and put on a false front. All the while, she was working her friends and family.
She packed her bags right before Christmas and left. Just like that. We had too many rules. When asked which rules seemed unreasonable, she could not say. I wanted to know if it was the one that said she needed to let us know where she was going and with whom. It might have been the one that restricted her from going anywhere until her homework was done because she was pulling F's. Or perhaps it was the one that wouldn't allow her to talk on her cell phone in the middle of the night and during school hours - I think it's rude. Or maybe the consequences that happened when she did any or all of the above.
Whatever the case, she is gone. Just like her predecessors.
Not surprisingly, she showed up for Christmas. Beforehand, I guessed that she would collect her presents and leave as soon as was possible. She came to Christmas Eve with the family because that is when we give the kids new pajamas and have a great feast. She sneered at the very expensive pj's that I got at Victoria's Secret for her, saying they would be too big (they fit fine.) I offered to take them back (probably in a less-than-friendly tone...) but she said they would be fine.
She stayed the night so she could get up the next morning and get her stocking, the money that we gave the kids and the gifts they gave to each other. We had a lovely dinner and she left. Just like that. I did not hear ONE thank you through the whole Christmas celebration. That was probably the most unpleasant Christmas I had ever spent. I kept pretty quiet the whole time. I didn't want to share my misery with the others, so I put on a happy face.
Where does a girl like this go you ask? Well, that's the interesting part to this. They 'work the system' - it's a trait that seems to be imprinted on them.
....okay, let me just stop here and say something to you who are saying that I am making generalizations and already formulating advice for me.... I have heard it and tried it. Perhaps you have adopted kids and are certain they won't ever do anything like this....you have a 'different' way of dealing with them. You pray for them or you attended classes... or you are just a better parent than I am. That may be, but you wait until you get down the road a bit and have walked in those shoes a bit longer. You may be singing my tune. Until then, I understand your point of view...but it's wrong. Don't judge. Now, I'm done with that interruption.
had been telling me for awhile that she had TONS of friends whose parents would let her live with them. Of course, I countered with the fact that she would wear out her welcome and they would not want her sponging off of them for long.
The way it works is laid out in the book, "Can This Child Be Saved?" (see blog Story by Story.)
She is now on to her second 'victim' (not including us - her family) and will continue to wear them all out with her lies. I keep thinking there has got to be an end to people who believe her and give her what she wants, but judging from her sister's path - there is a sucker born every minute. I might add - MOST of the people who take these kids in, find out soon enough that they are being manipulated and sever the relationship.
Sorry. I know I sound like Debbie Downer, but I was just wondering aloud.....
I guess you could say I'm going through another 'rough patch' - I've been through my share, but I guess there are still more and it leaves me with the question, 'what if?' what if we had not adopted the girls? Would my other children be better off? Or has this 11 year ordeal been a good thing for my original family?
I would like to believe that it has shown them that we can choose to love whether or not we are loved in return. I guess the future will tell....
left home two weeks ago. She was 7 when we adopted her and she was never the same as her sister. She was bright and full of promise. She didn't show the signs of being born with drugs in her system like Tiff did. She was intelligent, eager and ready to love and be loved.
She detested the things that her birth siblings did. So much so, that she wouldn't even speak to them. She told us many, many times that she had no intention of doing what her sisters and brother did. Up until two weeks ago....we believed her.
It seemed like out of the blue - she did a complete turnaround....to the dark side. In retrospect, I see it had been brewing, but she kept it all inside and put on a false front. All the while, she was working her friends and family.
She packed her bags right before Christmas and left. Just like that. We had too many rules. When asked which rules seemed unreasonable, she could not say. I wanted to know if it was the one that said she needed to let us know where she was going and with whom. It might have been the one that restricted her from going anywhere until her homework was done because she was pulling F's. Or perhaps it was the one that wouldn't allow her to talk on her cell phone in the middle of the night and during school hours - I think it's rude. Or maybe the consequences that happened when she did any or all of the above.
Whatever the case, she is gone. Just like her predecessors.
Not surprisingly, she showed up for Christmas. Beforehand, I guessed that she would collect her presents and leave as soon as was possible. She came to Christmas Eve with the family because that is when we give the kids new pajamas and have a great feast. She sneered at the very expensive pj's that I got at Victoria's Secret for her, saying they would be too big (they fit fine.) I offered to take them back (probably in a less-than-friendly tone...) but she said they would be fine.
She stayed the night so she could get up the next morning and get her stocking, the money that we gave the kids and the gifts they gave to each other. We had a lovely dinner and she left. Just like that. I did not hear ONE thank you through the whole Christmas celebration. That was probably the most unpleasant Christmas I had ever spent. I kept pretty quiet the whole time. I didn't want to share my misery with the others, so I put on a happy face.
Where does a girl like this go you ask? Well, that's the interesting part to this. They 'work the system' - it's a trait that seems to be imprinted on them.
....okay, let me just stop here and say something to you who are saying that I am making generalizations and already formulating advice for me.... I have heard it and tried it. Perhaps you have adopted kids and are certain they won't ever do anything like this....you have a 'different' way of dealing with them. You pray for them or you attended classes... or you are just a better parent than I am. That may be, but you wait until you get down the road a bit and have walked in those shoes a bit longer. You may be singing my tune. Until then, I understand your point of view...but it's wrong. Don't judge. Now, I'm done with that interruption.
had been telling me for awhile that she had TONS of friends whose parents would let her live with them. Of course, I countered with the fact that she would wear out her welcome and they would not want her sponging off of them for long.
The way it works is laid out in the book, "Can This Child Be Saved?" (see blog Story by Story.)
She is now on to her second 'victim' (not including us - her family) and will continue to wear them all out with her lies. I keep thinking there has got to be an end to people who believe her and give her what she wants, but judging from her sister's path - there is a sucker born every minute. I might add - MOST of the people who take these kids in, find out soon enough that they are being manipulated and sever the relationship.
Sorry. I know I sound like Debbie Downer, but I was just wondering aloud.....
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