Color me Jaded

I'm coming to the realization that I am jaded and cynical when it comes to adopting older children and the whole foster care religion.
Now don't get me wrong - I understand the necessity for the 'system' and for the children to be cared for. I understand the 'calling' that many have for foster care. I applaud and bless that - really I do.
There is, however, something systemically wrong with the entire process. From the ways and reasons they remove children from their homes of origin to the ways they choose and place children in one of many other homes down to the day that child packs their worldly possessions and walks out the door - dissatisfied.
I believe that nearly everyone involved in the entire process begins with sincerity and a true heart to help these children that don't deserve the hand that life has dealt them. .....but somewhere along the way - many get cynical and don't even realize it.

Here is a personal, yet all too typical scenario:

1. Birthparents are addicted to crack and alcohol. They have two children.
2. Father loses job because of addictions.
3. Mother gets another, quite lucrative job - she sells her body.
4. Father gets another, quite lucrative job - he sells illegal drugs.
5. They continue in their addictions, and fight and abuse one another and their children.
6. Father goes to prison, leaving two children and a pregnant, addicted wife.
7. Mother gives birth to my daughter, while addicted to crack.
8. Mother sells illegal drugs while father is incarcerated.
9. Father gets out of prison and goes back to his family and they are happy - for about a week.
10. Father becomes addicted, once again, to meth and alcohol
11. They become pregnant, once again, with another one of my daughters.
12. They live in Florida and San Diego and places in between. Looking for and/or running away from something.
13. They now have four mouths to feed besides their own. Of course they are on public assistance - but it's not enough to feed their children AND their addictions. They choose to feed their addictions.
14. Four children are removed from the home after several years of abuse and neglect.
15. They are put in three different foster homes, keeping the little girls together. The youngest is one and a half, her older sister is three.
16. The foster vatican works hard to reunite these precious children with their family of origin. After all, isn't it best to be with your 'real' family?
17. The children are happily reunited with their now highly dysfunctional family after a brief stint away.
18. The birthparents are off drugs and even got 'saved' just so they could get back with their kids, not to mention the welfare check that comes with them.
19. Within two weeks, the birthparents are back on drugs. Who would have guessed? (do you hear the cynical coming in here?)
20. The family has a new job to supplement their welfare check. Their new occupation is begging. You see, if they put the whole family out there, hold and sign and look real sad, people will feel sorry for them and give them money to feed these hungry children.... (don't you know that anyone who would stand their child out to beg with them will not be feeding their children, but their own addictions?!) This, by the way, is another form of abuse.
    Another fallout from this is that the girls have 'getting others to feel sorry for me' down to a fine science.
21. While the mother is out selling her body and the father is in a drugged stupor in a home strewn with broken glass and animal feces, the two tiny girls, now 2 and 4 are climbing on a roof down an alley. Someone spots them and calls CPS.
22. Once again, the children are taken. This time they go to a group receiving home while waiting for a foster home. They are separated from their other siblings and are quite frightened.
23. They get placed in a foster home.
24. The birthparents 'clean up' just long enough to get their welfare check...er, I mean children back. This happens...ad nauseum.
25. The family is back together momentarily, until the tiny girls are found wandering around the streets without supervision or shoes, in their underwear and are hungry and confused.
26. They are removed once again. They have experienced neglect and abuse and the 'system' keeps trying to reunite them with the very ones who have perpetrated these evils upon them. These birthparents have exposed them to drugs, drug addicts and sexual predators.
    
27. Now, all four children are in foster care. The oldest goes back to the family because she is old enough to choose. And we all know that victims choose to go back with their perpetrators, especially when they are children. She lives with this abuse and neglect and a sense of responsibility, until she is old enough to move in with her own addicted and abusive boyfriend and have neglected and abused children of her own. I'm not being cynical here, that is exactly what happened.
28. The oldest son goes back and forth, and does the foster care dance as well. His story is every bit as heartbreaking and intense.
    
29. The two youngest girls, my girls, are placed, long term, in a decent foster home. Albeit, the foster mother is a professional at this religion, but I do believe she is as good as it gets and very sincerely wants to help.
30. They live there for almost five years. There are many visitations with the birthparents, who continue to pretend they are trying to clean up their lives. They rip the girls hearts out with each visit and leave them bleeding.
31. Meanwhile, the girls' physical needs are being taken care of and the system thinks their emotional needs are as well. But of course, a bottom-of-the-barrel counselor cannot fill that hole. She only seems to make it worse.
32. Their foster mother adopts their two foster sisters of their same ages, and the girls are hopeful and sure that she will adopt them as well. She will not. She knows that she cannot deal with the needs they have. So she prays for a home for them. ...and they continue to hope that she will want them too.
33. The foster gods are telling my girls (before they were my girls) that there are people lined up wanting to adopt them (they really told them this....) They tell them all kinds of lies under the guise of building their self-esteem.
34. We hear about these girls from a friend, feel 'the calling' and start down the path that will lead us to the foster circus. We are asked to do all kinds of tricks for them. Stupid things like lock up all of the sharp items in the house; have a 6 foot fence around the pool rather than the 5 foot one we already have. Install door alarms so if one of them goes out to play with some of the critters on our acre, it will sound and we will need to run after them! After all, that mud puddle outside could drown our 7 and 9 year old girls. You get the picture. They were trying to tie the hands of the ONE family that truly wanted them. (We finally told Child Protective Services to take a hike and call us if they wanted us to adopt the girls. They did call a few weeks later and let us adopt them.) The foster system leaves a lot of pertinent details out of the 'telling' and lies about certain things so they are sure to get these girls a home.
35. The girls come to our home with so much crap, I finally had to call the foster mother and ask her to stop bringing stuff over! I was throwing it out the back door as quickly and she was bringing it in the front door. What I discovered was that the foster system (at least in San Diego County) tries to fill the holes with 'stuff'. The children want love and stability and they get 'stuff' - This, overall, was the reason my girls did not take care of or value ANY THING, and eventually, us.
36. Eleven very tumultuous years later, both girls, unable to attach, have left the only family that truly loved them and cared for them as they deserved. Since they did not learn to appropriately attach, they had no idea how to detach in a healthy way... and they left. We will stay in touch with them as they allow it, but there is little else we can do.
    

This was long and certainly not thorough, but it shows a factual path that just one foster story takes. I wish I could rewrite the story the way it SHOULD have been written.... but I can't.

Quickie

Today I am flooded with gratefulness. I probably wont have time to name all that I am grateful for, but here is a start: (not in any order - just random.....)

• Family who loves me in spite of my weirdness
• So many kindnesses that people show me each day
• Jobs for every member of my family
• A God who cares about me
• A big red dented Suburban that is paid for!
• A smaller house with a smaller rent
• My 80 yr. old mother, who just flew in tonight and is resting peacefully in the next room.
• Chocolate
• People who are younger than me and remind me of how idealistic I was at one time!
• Old friends that I have been getting reacquainted with after 30 years!
• New friends that think I'm cool.... until they get to know me :)
• My daughter, who seems to like me.
• My son, who is so very thoughtful.
• My oldest son, who brightens my days and makes me giggle
• All of the pictures and videos I took when my kids were little
• My father, Andrew Slack, who re-wrote our family tree. We now have a proud and loving heritage!
• My sweet little Mommy, who always seemed happy to me.
• My Brother, Ronnie, who is rewriting the story of his grandchildren's lives - what a blessing for them.
• My sister, Cheri, who has shown me how to grab onto God and not let go.
• My baby sister, Pammy, who remains a very positive influence no matter what comes.
• My husband, John, who is the most gifted, creative, hilarious and loving person in the world..... plus he is a great cook!

I will make another list later, but I got tired and am going to bed.

Update on the Saga

After this update, I am going to go to the more positive side of things. There are so many more wonderful things that I have experienced with adoption and I don't want to digress too far from those blessings.
Britt has been gone for 4 weeks now and has landed in her third place. She is determined to prove that she doesn't need us or our rules. ...and I have become okay with that.
....maybe too okay. We have cleaned and packed her room and are getting ready to put Grandma in it when she visits. I am picturing a sewing machine and my family picture projects in that room. Britt has called us and my husband met at St. Arbuck's with her. She, for some reason, didn't want to meet at home. (although she came home while we were not there - looking for something...) We have not begged her to come home... and we won't.
She said she is not angry anymore. My husband asked what she was angry at to begin with. It was the rules.... funny thing is - every where she has gone so far has rules.
To be honest, I am still a bit angry and hurt. If you knew all of the details of what I have been through with the other one, you would think I would have callouses over that part of my heart. But it stings nonetheless. I guess it is anger from the ungratefulness and hurt from the way she left and the stories she weaves about how controlling I am. When I asked her to give me an example of how I controlled her, she could not come up with even one. My response was that I have absolutely NO DESIRE to control anyone. That would mean my kids would stay home longer and I DON'T WANT THEM TO!!! Really, I don't.
The father of the newest 'victim' called us the other day to find out if it was okay that she was there. My husband was able to shed light on a few things, for which the man was grateful. In the conversation, we learned that this new place she chose to camp is a very strong Christian home.... WITH RULES!
Funny thing is, I have always raised my kids to be independent. I have tried to teach them to make good choices while at home so they can experience what it is like to have consequences for both good and bad choices. I guess some are just hard-wired NOT to make the connection.
Okay, I'm done with the moaning. I am worn out from it. Life is too good to lament too long!

Are adoptions really for all?

I am contemplating the title of my blog and wondering if it is honest... I mean are adoptions really for all...
I guess you could say I'm going through another 'rough patch' - I've been through my share, but I guess there are still more and it leaves me with the question, 'what if?' what if we had not adopted the girls? Would my other children be better off? Or has this 11 year ordeal been a good thing for my original family?
I would like to believe that it has shown them that we can choose to love whether or not we are loved in return. I guess the future will tell....
Britt left home two weeks ago. She was 7 when we adopted her and she was never the same as her sister. She was bright and full of promise. She didn't show the signs of being born with drugs in her system like Tiff did. She was intelligent, eager and ready to love and be loved.
She detested the things that her birth siblings did. So much so, that she wouldn't even speak to them. She told us many, many times that she had no intention of doing what her sisters and brother did. Up until two weeks ago....we believed her.
It seemed like out of the blue - she did a complete turnaround....to the dark side. In retrospect, I see it had been brewing, but she kept it all inside and put on a false front. All the while, she was working her friends and family.
She packed her bags right before Christmas and left. Just like that. We had too many rules. When asked which rules seemed unreasonable, she could not say. I wanted to know if it was the one that said she needed to let us know where she was going and with whom. It might have been the one that restricted her from going anywhere until her homework was done because she was pulling F's. Or perhaps it was the one that wouldn't allow her to talk on her cell phone in the middle of the night and during school hours - I think it's rude. Or maybe the consequences that happened when she did any or all of the above.
Whatever the case, she is gone. Just like her predecessors.
Not surprisingly, she showed up for Christmas. Beforehand, I guessed that she would collect her presents and leave as soon as was possible. She came to Christmas Eve with the family because that is when we give the kids new pajamas and have a great feast. She sneered at the very expensive pj's that I got at Victoria's Secret for her, saying they would be too big (they fit fine.) I offered to take them back (probably in a less-than-friendly tone...) but she said they would be fine.
She stayed the night so she could get up the next morning and get her stocking, the money that we gave the kids and the gifts they gave to each other. We had a lovely dinner and she left. Just like that. I did not hear ONE thank you through the whole Christmas celebration. That was probably the most unpleasant Christmas I had ever spent. I kept pretty quiet the whole time. I didn't want to share my misery with the others, so I put on a happy face.
Where does a girl like this go you ask? Well, that's the interesting part to this. They 'work the system' - it's a trait that seems to be imprinted on them.
....okay, let me just stop here and say something to you who are saying that I am making generalizations and already formulating advice for me.... I have heard it and tried it. Perhaps you have adopted kids and are certain they won't ever do anything like this....you have a 'different' way of dealing with them. You pray for them or you attended classes... or you are just a better parent than I am. That may be, but you wait until you get down the road a bit and have walked in those shoes a bit longer. You may be singing my tune. Until then, I understand your point of view...but it's wrong. Don't judge. Now, I'm done with that interruption.
Britt had been telling me for awhile that she had TONS of friends whose parents would let her live with them. Of course, I countered with the fact that she would wear out her welcome and they would not want her sponging off of them for long.
The way it works is laid out in the book, "Can This Child Be Saved?" (see blog Story by Story.)
She is now on to her second 'victim' (not including us - her family) and will continue to wear them all out with her lies. I keep thinking there has got to be an end to people who believe her and give her what she wants, but judging from her sister's path - there is a sucker born every minute. I might add - MOST of the people who take these kids in, find out soon enough that they are being manipulated and sever the relationship.
Sorry. I know I sound like Debbie Downer, but I was just wondering aloud.....

Random thoughts

I've been thinking about all of the mistakes I have made as I have meandered through this thing they call motherhood. A LOT and I do mean A LOT!
One mistake I have not made was not loving my children enough. There isn't a mother on the face of this earth that has loved her children more than me. I know it.
One of the things that I have done, plagues many of us. That is mistaking over-protecting for love.
In my current avocation, I am fortunate to be an observer of college students who are just leaving home. I manage a college bookstore and it is very, very interesting. How so?

Mommy brings in "little Johnny" into the bookstore to buy his books. After all, she did register him and choose his classes, because at 18 he is still incapable of making those kinds of decisions. Doesn't SHE know what's best? (Of course, this conversation is only going on in my head...) So, little 6'2" Johnny follows her around silently, thinking this is what all the mothers do. She has his course list and finds his books, chooses them, carries them and answers any questions directed at him. She sets them on the counter, pays for them and asks me if there is enough money available on his account for him to get the extras....or should she put more on...would I call if he needs more? Oh! and Johnny needs some software.... I turn to Johnny and say, "what kind of software do you need?" Mommy gives me the answer... I look at Johnny again and ask "what kind of computer do you have?" And as his capable but surprised-to-be-asked-a-question mouth is open ready to answer... I get the reply from Supermommy! The crazy thing is, that Johnny doesn't even look annoyed. Really... I am not exaggerating! I have experienced this more than once.
I suppose I haven't gone this far.... my kids would not have allowed it. But when they were little, how many times did I prevent them from doing things because 'they might get hurt?' How many times did I accompany them to a place where they could have gone themselves? Why didn't I teach them to use the knives to cut up tomatoes sooner? If I drive them everywhere, how will they know how to travel...take the bus...the plane?
They are almost grown now... am I still hovering? ....or am I letting them use the wings I gave them?
...just some thoughts...

Story by Story

I hardly know which story to begin with - I have so many.

This one isn't so interesting, but it begins to give a base of understanding.
Tiff was 9 and Britt was 7 when they came to live with us. We had gone through a lot to get them because we felt like they were to be in our family. The holy foster system dangled them in front of us for months and at what we thought was the very last, they said that someone else wanted them. They quickly asked us to look through the "catalog" and see who else we would like.
From the very beginning we made it clear that we wanted Tiff and Britt, so if we couldn't have them, then we won't take any. So we politely, but firmly passed up their offer. A week later we got a call saying that the other family 'passed' on them and were we still interested. We were catching on to their game. ...and oh, it WAS a game!
We were privy to where the girls lived and it just so coincidentally happened that they lived very close to us in a home where the mother warehoused foster children. Don't get me wrong - she was a kind and selfless woman, who I believe truly loved the children and what she was doing. But most of the children raised themselves. She provided protection, sustenance and a lovely home for them. They did whatever they pleased.
Mary, the foster mother, knew of our interest, so shared openly about them to us. One of the things she said to us before we got them is that my girls were very destructive. We nodded our heads and thought 'how destructive can two little girls be?' ....little did we know!
Fast forward through some of the details, to when they came to our home to live. They both instantly started destroying things. There was and still is - not a shred of value placed on anything or anyone.
Of course, we fixed up a beautiful room for them with all of their favorite things and colors. The first week they were there, one of them scaled the dresser, up to the bookcase and pulled the entire thing down on top of them! We didn't think a thing of it, but as the weeks and months went by, we knew that Mary was right about the destructiveness.
Both girls still place value on nothing. Unfortunately, that carries over into human relationships. It has shown itself in every possible way over the past 11 years. Unfortunately, the mother (me) gets the brunt of it.
If you are one of these mothers, you will know EXACTLY what I am talking about. If you are not, you will most likely be passing judgment. That's okay, I'm used to it and I understand. I used to do that BEFORE...

I really need to recommend a book before I go any further. It has been a saving grace for me:

CAN THIS CHILD BE SAVED?

• Solutions for Adoptive and Foster Families
• This book will help adoptive and foster parents understand that they’re not alone.
• Lists common reasons for misbehavior
• Explains attachment disorder and the effects on foster/adoptive children
• Explains why traditional strategies don’t work
• Provides workable techniques that succeed with foster/adoptive children
• Provides support and parenting therapeutics that can help children become attached

by Foster W. Cline, M.D., and Cathy Helding

I just reopened it the other day when the second one left home because she can't live within our boundaries. Trust me, we have very few, but just enough to keep her safe and help guide her toward a future. The book hit exactly where I was and reminded me:

IT ISN'T MY FAULT!

Please, I want to hear your stories....

It Is Not Your Fault!

For the past ten years now, I have slowly and painfully become aware of the wild need for support for and among adoptive families. In particular, families who adopt older children. I guess if I'm being honest, my focus would be the mothers in the situation.
I must start with a statement that has the power to free each mother:

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

If I could get one message out - that is what it would be. I have and AM currently learning this the hard way - but is there any other way to learn things like this?
The truth is, if most of us knew what we were getting ourselves into in the first place we probably would have not signed on the dotted line....
.....however, we are not told about the gut wrenching difficulties that lie ahead. Instead, we are courted by the 'holy foster system' with promises of saving a child's life and getting kudos from all humankind.
We are not enlightened as to the heartbreaking results of what happens when we pour our very life's blood into a child until we get that swift kick in the teeth by the once angelic child who could not wait for their new home. The very angel who turns demonic when alone with the one who has sacrificed the most for their well being - the mother.
Conveniently left out of the 'telling' are the incorrigible behaviors of this child you just want to share the love you have with.
I have ever so much more to say, but I will stop for now. Just remember - It's NOT your fault!
Please comment and send me your stories, because I know there are thousands of you that are suffering in silence because of the judgment that you receive from others. I have lots of stories and thoughts about that..... later.

Cindie saves the world.....