I hardly know which story to begin with - I have so many.
This one isn't so interesting, but it begins to give a base of understanding.
Tiff was 9 and Britt was 7 when they came to live with us. We had gone through a lot to get them because we felt like they were to be in our family. The holy foster system dangled them in front of us for months and at what we thought was the very last, they said that someone else wanted them. They quickly asked us to look through the "catalog" and see who else we would like.
From the very beginning we made it clear that we wanted Tiff and Britt, so if we couldn't have them, then we won't take any. So we politely, but firmly passed up their offer. A week later we got a call saying that the other family 'passed' on them and were we still interested. We were catching on to their game. ...and oh, it WAS a game!
We were privy to where the girls lived and it just so coincidentally happened that they lived very close to us in a home where the mother warehoused foster children. Don't get me wrong - she was a kind and selfless woman, who I believe truly loved the children and what she was doing. But most of the children raised themselves. She provided protection, sustenance and a lovely home for them. They did whatever they pleased.
Mary, the foster mother, knew of our interest, so shared openly about them to us. One of the things she said to us before we got them is that my girls were very destructive. We nodded our heads and thought 'how destructive can two little girls be?' ....little did we know!
Fast forward through some of the details, to when they came to our home to live. They both instantly started destroying things. There was and still is - not a shred of value placed on anything or anyone.
Of course, we fixed up a beautiful room for them with all of their favorite things and colors. The first week they were there, one of them scaled the dresser, up to the bookcase and pulled the entire thing down on top of them! We didn't think a thing of it, but as the weeks and months went by, we knew that Mary was right about the destructiveness.
Both girls still place value on nothing. Unfortunately, that carries over into human relationships. It has shown itself in every possible way over the past 11 years. Unfortunately, the mother (me) gets the brunt of it.
If you are one of these mothers, you will know EXACTLY what I am talking about. If you are not, you will most likely be passing judgment. That's okay, I'm used to it and I understand. I used to do that BEFORE...
I really need to recommend a book before I go any further. It has been a saving grace for me:
- Solutions for Adoptive and Foster Families
- This book will help adoptive and foster parents understand that they’re not alone.
- Lists common reasons for misbehavior
- Explains attachment disorder and the effects on foster/adoptive children
- Explains why traditional strategies don’t work
- Provides workable techniques that succeed with foster/adoptive children
- Provides support and parenting therapeutics that can help children become attached
I just reopened it the other day when the second one left home because she can't live within our boundaries. Trust me, we have very few, but just enough to keep her safe and help guide her toward a future. The book hit exactly where I was and reminded me:
IT ISN'T MY FAULT!
Please, I want to hear your stories....
