Well, my intentions were to start writing more positive posts....mostly because I thought things were going a wee bit better.
But I was wrong.
This post is about Tiffany. She is 21 now. I thought that at 21 a sort of maturity starts to set in.
But I was wrong.
She called 4 weeks ago to ask my advice about the second boyfriend she has been shacking up with. He told her he doesn't want her anymore. He is cheating on her and tells her so...."should I break up?"
In my mind I say "no shit sherlock" - but on the phone I say, "Well, it sounds to me like he only wants you for sex when it is convenient for him. What more do you need to hear? He said he doesn't want to be with you anymore."
I continue to cast my pearls.... "You need someone who will cherish you. You need to be single for awhile and learn to love yourself. You need to see yourself the way God sees you...." etc.
It sounds like she is really taking it to heart. She vows to break up with him and hold her head high like I advised her.
She stays with him and asks me how much it costs to go to England because she wants to spend her leftover college money on taking him there. Dumb.
Awhile before that she asked for advice about a nasty rash. I figure it is an std and find a clinic in the city she lives in for her to go to. She asks what is an std? Apparently that public education didn't do much in that area. She says she didn't go because she didn't have the bus fare. Besides, the recurring oozing rash is better.
She calls several more times for advice, I give it, she does the opposite. Keep in mind that I never really EXPECT her to take my advice, but I feel compelled to give her the 'rightest' answer that I can...it's a mom thing.
She texts me frantically the other day for more advice. Do I think she should go to the beach house that she and her boyfriend were invited to before they broke up (they are broken up but still living together...) and she got time off work and some of her friends will be there and she really wants to go but he does not want her there and does not even want to be her friend?
I say no, you should not go. He will only make you feel bad about yourself and cause drama and you don't need that. She asks my oldest daughter the same question and she gave her the same answer I gave her. She is going to go anyway.
Today she is looking for an apartment in the town and state she lives in, which is not the same as ours. She calls me and talks about a studio apartment that she is looking at but they charge $250 deposit for cats. I explained that she is getting a deal because that is a low deposit for pets.
She texts me later and asks if we could help her out with that deposit so she could get into the $540 per month apartment. I ask her how much she makes per month. She doesn't know but thinks it is about $400. I point out that she still needs more money for the other deposit, monthly rent, utilities, groceries, cat food and litter, transportation to work and school and wondered if she had counted the cost yet and what is the plan to pay for the monthly expenses?
John texts her some fatherly advice like maybe thinking again about the military or some education because she cannot afford to pay for an apartment on her own and she doesn't want to end up with another shack up situation where she is disrespected by these guys, etc. It was kind, but firmly the truth.
That is when we got "dis-parented" - or maybe it was a divorce from her...
She texted him back and asked why is it that her only parents won't help her and always belittle and put her down. We never have faith in her and don't think she can do anything.
huh?
She went on to say that she wishes we had never adopted her and never wants to talk to or see either one of us ever again.
So there.
I guess I was wrong....about everything.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
I Just Keep Wondering....Was It Worth It?
I hope to post more positive things....someday. I just feel I have to dialog what people don't want to talk about.
One of the things that a friend said to me while we were trying to decide whether or not to adopt our older siblings (anything over 3 is considered older... ours were 7 and 9) was this: "It's not wrong to do this." That did help me and there were many other things pointing to us doing this.
That said, my older sibling group adoption experience has been very impacting on my other children and much of it has been negative. I am working on trying to undo and re-balance.
I just have to be honest and say FOR ME - that if you take all of the "God" stuff out of it, I would NEVER do it again. But, I cannot take out the fact that we really felt that this is what we were supposed to do. So, if you ask me if I regret having done this, I will not know how to answer.
I get very frustrated when I hear people saying that there are so many kids that need adopting and so why doesn't everyone do it? I used to think that all a child needed was a loving home to flourish in....(I was wrong.) I see movies like "The Blind Side" (which I LOVED!) and know that there are those stories out there, but there are also many other stories, such as the woman who "returned" her Russian adopted son. She was so criticized and judged, but nobody but NOBODY understands the hopelessness she is experiencing unless they have walked in that person's shoes.
I have a friend who adopted siblings from Romania and one of the children was so dangerous physically and sexually at the age of 12 that the 'authorities' told her that if she let her child stay in the home, they would take her other kids and charge her with child endangerment. If she made her abusive child leave the home, they would charge her with child abandonment! You cannot make stuff like this up! The story did not end well.
The judgment that was passed on me while struggling to raise these 'damaged' children in a strong, loving and godly home, was almost more than I could bear. The reason you don't hear these stories is because of the shame and guilt that is attached to the parent who just cannot seem to get it right. They think it is something wrong with THEM! If it had not been for ONE friend who was going through a similar situation and a book that I kept next to my Bible called, "Can This Child Be Saved?" I would not have "survived" it all.
Every single person who judged me (I won't name names, but I know who they were) did not wear my shoes. Actually, two people tried my shoes on for a few weeks and months (by taking my children in, for my sanity) and they brought them back to me and said, "I was wrong - I had no idea....but now I do."
I am truly not trying to discourage people from adopting older siblings, there are questions, however, that you don't even know to ask, and even if you did - it's a 'crap shoot' anyway. The agencies tell you what they want you to know, and it isn't always the truth.
The good news is: our lives are not finished, nor are theirs. We continue to "parent" through the beginning of their adulthood in the way we think is best. I do have hope that they will come out somewhere on this side of decency and do not perpetuate their birthparents dance with drugs and abuse.
We are busy trying to 'undo' the damage on our original family. I do believe that they will also, in their grown-up years, see everything as a good thing and I hope it will help them be compassionate people.
I just keep wondering if it was worth it.
One of the things that a friend said to me while we were trying to decide whether or not to adopt our older siblings (anything over 3 is considered older... ours were 7 and 9) was this: "It's not wrong to do this." That did help me and there were many other things pointing to us doing this.
That said, my older sibling group adoption experience has been very impacting on my other children and much of it has been negative. I am working on trying to undo and re-balance.
I just have to be honest and say FOR ME - that if you take all of the "God" stuff out of it, I would NEVER do it again. But, I cannot take out the fact that we really felt that this is what we were supposed to do. So, if you ask me if I regret having done this, I will not know how to answer.
I get very frustrated when I hear people saying that there are so many kids that need adopting and so why doesn't everyone do it? I used to think that all a child needed was a loving home to flourish in....(I was wrong.) I see movies like "The Blind Side" (which I LOVED!) and know that there are those stories out there, but there are also many other stories, such as the woman who "returned" her Russian adopted son. She was so criticized and judged, but nobody but NOBODY understands the hopelessness she is experiencing unless they have walked in that person's shoes.
I have a friend who adopted siblings from Romania and one of the children was so dangerous physically and sexually at the age of 12 that the 'authorities' told her that if she let her child stay in the home, they would take her other kids and charge her with child endangerment. If she made her abusive child leave the home, they would charge her with child abandonment! You cannot make stuff like this up! The story did not end well.
The judgment that was passed on me while struggling to raise these 'damaged' children in a strong, loving and godly home, was almost more than I could bear. The reason you don't hear these stories is because of the shame and guilt that is attached to the parent who just cannot seem to get it right. They think it is something wrong with THEM! If it had not been for ONE friend who was going through a similar situation and a book that I kept next to my Bible called, "Can This Child Be Saved?" I would not have "survived" it all.
Every single person who judged me (I won't name names, but I know who they were) did not wear my shoes. Actually, two people tried my shoes on for a few weeks and months (by taking my children in, for my sanity) and they brought them back to me and said, "I was wrong - I had no idea....but now I do."
I am truly not trying to discourage people from adopting older siblings, there are questions, however, that you don't even know to ask, and even if you did - it's a 'crap shoot' anyway. The agencies tell you what they want you to know, and it isn't always the truth.
The good news is: our lives are not finished, nor are theirs. We continue to "parent" through the beginning of their adulthood in the way we think is best. I do have hope that they will come out somewhere on this side of decency and do not perpetuate their birthparents dance with drugs and abuse.
We are busy trying to 'undo' the damage on our original family. I do believe that they will also, in their grown-up years, see everything as a good thing and I hope it will help them be compassionate people.
I just keep wondering if it was worth it.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Why reunification?
"...but of course, reunification is always the goal."
I have heard this said so very many times and wonder why reunification is always the goal.... ?? Why would it be the goal to reunify children with their drug addicted, abusive parents? Because of blood?
You tell that to my daughters who we got when they were 7 and 9 and already damaged beyond complete repair. They will always carry scars and baggage because some system thought it was a good idea to continue to try to reunify them with parents who kept making the decision that drugs and money were more important than these precious lives.
If 'the system' would have seen the importance of their wholeness, they would not have to go through their lives with the many and varied problems they have.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Where Do They Go?
Where does a young boy go when he is not good enough for his mother?
He works harder to be a 'good boy.'
Where does that boy go when he finds that he is still not good enough?
He goes underground. He does the dance that pleases her, but does not walk in truth. He makes that chameleon-like dance his way of life.
Where does a young man go when he has performed his way through childhood and young adulthood?
He finds a woman to marry that is not good enough. He tries to drown out the 'not good enough' sounds with chasing money and other women. It is not good enough for him. Amid all of the performances, he forgot who he really was.
Where does a young woman go when she is not good enough for her husband?
She works harder to be a 'good wife.' She looks better, she gives him what he asks, but she does not walk in truth. She is still not good enough.
Where does a young mother go when she is not good enough for her husband?
She works harder to be a 'good mother and good wife.' She molds herself into what she thinks he wants. She is still not good enough.
She is not good enough. She has lost her true self. Amid all of the performances, she forgot who she really was.
Where does a middle aged, hollowed out woman go when she finds herself lost?
Her children have given her good enough grandchildren.
She knows that she is still not good enough, but starts to wonder why? She is weary of the performances and cannot seem to keep the lies that are her life as straight as she used to.
She starts to remember glimpses of the good little girl she used to be. She remembers that she was good enough for her mother, she was good enough for her family and friends long ago.
....wait! She was once beautiful and good and strong and wise! She suddenly looks into the mirror of the past and remembers!
Where does she go?
She goes into the arms of someone who sees that she is better than good enough!
She goes to her mother who has always thought she was the best!
She goes back and remembers the truth about herself. She stops listening to the talk that tells her that she has never been good enough and starts really hearing the truth of what God says about her.
Where does an old man go, who was never good enough for his mother and found that his wife was never good enough for him?
He works harder to be a 'good boy.'
Where does that boy go when he finds that he is still not good enough?
He goes underground. He does the dance that pleases her, but does not walk in truth. He makes that chameleon-like dance his way of life.
Where does a young man go when he has performed his way through childhood and young adulthood?
He finds a woman to marry that is not good enough. He tries to drown out the 'not good enough' sounds with chasing money and other women. It is not good enough for him. Amid all of the performances, he forgot who he really was.
Where does a young woman go when she is not good enough for her husband?
She works harder to be a 'good wife.' She looks better, she gives him what he asks, but she does not walk in truth. She is still not good enough.
Where does a young mother go when she is not good enough for her husband?
She works harder to be a 'good mother and good wife.' She molds herself into what she thinks he wants. She is still not good enough.
She is not good enough. She has lost her true self. Amid all of the performances, she forgot who she really was.
Where does a middle aged, hollowed out woman go when she finds herself lost?
Her children have given her good enough grandchildren.
She knows that she is still not good enough, but starts to wonder why? She is weary of the performances and cannot seem to keep the lies that are her life as straight as she used to.
She starts to remember glimpses of the good little girl she used to be. She remembers that she was good enough for her mother, she was good enough for her family and friends long ago.
....wait! She was once beautiful and good and strong and wise! She suddenly looks into the mirror of the past and remembers!
Where does she go?
She goes into the arms of someone who sees that she is better than good enough!
She goes to her mother who has always thought she was the best!
She goes back and remembers the truth about herself. She stops listening to the talk that tells her that she has never been good enough and starts really hearing the truth of what God says about her.
She was formed by God himself! Of course she is good enough!
Where does an old man go, who was never good enough for his mother and found that his wife was never good enough for him?
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Life has a way of rumpling things....like names.Take ours, for instance....a name that was synonymous with violence, drunkenness, murder and robbery in the home towns that John's family grew up in.
When it became my name, I laundered it, pressed it and was very careful to keep it hanging nicely. I silenced the ghosts from the past and I was proud that in our hometown, people associated our name with good and respectful things....tidy things.
...but life has a way of rumpling people.....and names...
Like the crease from the husband who lived through depression...
or the messiness from the sons who were arrested on drug charges...
How about the big crinkles from the daughter who has lived with violent boyfriends?
Then there is a large black spot from the daughter who left home and told everyone many things about us that were untrue....and untidy.
The disheveled list goes on and on. And try as I might, I can no longer protect our name from the mess.
We are undone people and must learn to live in the untidiness of humanity.
.... our Father still loves us no matter how rumpled our name gets.
Friday, June 5, 2009
My Heart
My heart has completed its breaking. I feel numb and stony about my daughters who refuse my love.
....so I will rant and vent for a moment...
Brittany sent a mass text message out that her graduation was to be June 5th and wanted everyone to come. Call me old fashioned, but I would have liked at least a call or personal invite....I am, after all, the mother here. Besides that fact, I have made it clear to her several times over that I will no longer be communicating with her through text message and that if she wants to talk with me, she can either call or is welcome to come over.
Last Thursday, Brittany's teacher and advisor called me, once again, to find Brittany. She had not been showing up, once again, for class and was, once again....not returning phone calls. Her teacher told me that she was definitely not going to graduate. She said she had gone out on a limb for her and Brittany had taken advantage of her (once again!)
I also explained to the teacher that she had not logged any PE hours and that I would not lie just to pass her (this was a home study class).
When I got off of the phone with the teacher, that was final...she could graduate next year as a "super senior" - but had not put forth the effort to graduate this year.
One week later, our son reminded us that Britt was graduating and wondered if we were going? I said, "No, she is not graduating- I just talked to her teacher..."
This morning I called the teacher again and told her that I had heard 'through the grapevine' that she was still graduating - and she said, "Well, it looks like she pulled it together...." Which really meant, "She manipulated us again...." She said they are allowing her to walk if she promised to finish her class....DUH!
Then, I boldly asked her the question that had been burning on my heart... "Why, at the first of the year, did you require a PE class for credit when she must not need the credit to graduate - since she DID NOT log even a fraction of the hours she was required to? I mean, she obviously didn't really need it. The teacher told me (for the first time) that it changed when she moved out of our home and that she told her she is doing her PE and that I don't really need to sign of on it! Trust me...I absolutely have NO DOUBT that Brittany has her teacher manipulated to the point that she wants her.
Tonight was her pretend graduation, so my husband and I decided to go out to dinner instead of pretending that our daughter was graduating. We thought a lot about it and decided that we are tired of being used.
She had the audacity to send us each a text message saying, "Thanks for showing up for my graduation."
I have already cried many, many tears today and just when I think I am dried up, I start in again. I think I am done for the night.
Judge me all you want....I am used to it. What I am also quite familiar with is that phone call or conversation AFTER someone has been used up by either one of the girls, that says..."oh, now I understand what you meant...."
I am quite familiar with the smug suggestions of younger parents who have not walked in my shoes or on the same path I have.... the ones who get their parenting skills from a magazine, book or college class.... trust me....I know....I was one of those.
Go ahead walk in my shoes....I dare you... or better yet - wear MY heart for awhile. You WILL want to give it back.
....so I will rant and vent for a moment...
Brittany sent a mass text message out that her graduation was to be June 5th and wanted everyone to come. Call me old fashioned, but I would have liked at least a call or personal invite....I am, after all, the mother here. Besides that fact, I have made it clear to her several times over that I will no longer be communicating with her through text message and that if she wants to talk with me, she can either call or is welcome to come over.
Last Thursday, Brittany's teacher and advisor called me, once again, to find Brittany. She had not been showing up, once again, for class and was, once again....not returning phone calls. Her teacher told me that she was definitely not going to graduate. She said she had gone out on a limb for her and Brittany had taken advantage of her (once again!)
I also explained to the teacher that she had not logged any PE hours and that I would not lie just to pass her (this was a home study class).
When I got off of the phone with the teacher, that was final...she could graduate next year as a "super senior" - but had not put forth the effort to graduate this year.
One week later, our son reminded us that Britt was graduating and wondered if we were going? I said, "No, she is not graduating- I just talked to her teacher..."
This morning I called the teacher again and told her that I had heard 'through the grapevine' that she was still graduating - and she said, "Well, it looks like she pulled it together...." Which really meant, "She manipulated us again...." She said they are allowing her to walk if she promised to finish her class....DUH!
Then, I boldly asked her the question that had been burning on my heart... "Why, at the first of the year, did you require a PE class for credit when she must not need the credit to graduate - since she DID NOT log even a fraction of the hours she was required to? I mean, she obviously didn't really need it. The teacher told me (for the first time) that it changed when she moved out of our home and that she told her she is doing her PE and that I don't really need to sign of on it! Trust me...I absolutely have NO DOUBT that Brittany has her teacher manipulated to the point that she wants her.
Tonight was her pretend graduation, so my husband and I decided to go out to dinner instead of pretending that our daughter was graduating. We thought a lot about it and decided that we are tired of being used.
She had the audacity to send us each a text message saying, "Thanks for showing up for my graduation."
I have already cried many, many tears today and just when I think I am dried up, I start in again. I think I am done for the night.
Judge me all you want....I am used to it. What I am also quite familiar with is that phone call or conversation AFTER someone has been used up by either one of the girls, that says..."oh, now I understand what you meant...."
I am quite familiar with the smug suggestions of younger parents who have not walked in my shoes or on the same path I have.... the ones who get their parenting skills from a magazine, book or college class.... trust me....I know....I was one of those.
Go ahead walk in my shoes....I dare you... or better yet - wear MY heart for awhile. You WILL want to give it back.
Friday, May 15, 2009
The Letter
I'm feeling blue today... I think my heart is sore.
Here is my answer to a letter that Britt sent me and I answered it in red. Keep in mind, these are NOT her words! She can barely speak a full intelligible sentence and when she writes, she uses poor sentence structure and "text talk" -
Britt,
I need to start out by saying that no matter what you do, you know that we will always love you. We have told you that every day of the 11 years you were with us.
I have stay pretty calm and even about your antics up until now. There is one thing I will no longer tolerate, and that is to have my daughter lying about me, which is a direct attack on my character. I know that you have told different people different stories about why you are not living at home. You have manipulated the truth to say whatever makes them feel the most sorry for you. When I found out that you told the school that you were kicked out of our house and not allowed to live here, I finally got very, very angry. I'm sure you have told many variations of that story to others. Do you feel better about yourself when you lie about me?
I suggest you stop burning your bridges.
Since you are talking to everyone but me, I thought I would address this and a few other things as well.
One of your complaints to others is that I did not answer your email. There are a couple of reasons why:
1.) Although the email may state your feelings, I KNOW you did not write it. You have never spoken that way in your life and I am certain there are some words and concepts you stated that you are not familiar with. Therefore, I did not want to respond to someone else's words.
2.) Dad and I sent you an email some time ago that you did not answer.
3.) I do not like to communicate solely through email and certainly not text. So if you have a question or something to say, please call and we can meet.
I am going to copy and paste your email and respond to it line by line in BLUE. That way, you can hear what I have to say about these things.
Mom,
Thank you so much for the information that you have given me already for the applications and submitting the financial aid form for me. I really appreciate it. I've been trying to figure out the best way to explain my thoughts and feelings for the past week.
I never said "I don't have a good life," Yes, you have said (and I quote,) "My life sucks.."
I have a great life compared to others and you have taught me a lot and given me soooo much and I am truly thankful. Never noticed - you not only do not SAY thanks, you act ungratefully, unless you want something from us
Like I have told everyone else, I am not mad anymore. I did leave angry, but I think now with the time away and me getting to experience doing things on my own,
we will be able to have that relationship we never really had. And what relationship is that, Brittany? The one where we talk and do things together? That takes two people, not just me trying and you pouting when you don't get exactly what you want.
There has been so much anger and tension between us and I don't want that anymore, I want to be able to talk to you about everything and hangout, but when I was home it got to the point where i would leave very early for school and not come back until late when I could have easily worked at home. I spent so much time in my room because I wanted and needed space. Space? What the heck does that mean? Anger? From whom? Tension? One sided, except when you made poor choices.
To me it felt for the longest time that you were so controlling of my life Operative word here - FELT - you tell me WHAT and HOW I controlled you. So far, when asked, you have not been able to give me an example. Really, I would love to hear a good example.
and so protective because you didn't want me to end up like Tiffany and that's not fair to me. You apparently forgot HOW MANY, MANY TIMES I said to you that you were NOT Tiffany and I never for one moment expected or said ANYTHING that even remotely put that expectation on you. I do believe that you must have said it to yourself. In this house, you were not compared to your sister....ever. And THAT'S not fair to me.
Tiffany and I aren't the same people, I have a mind of my own and I just wish you could actually realize how responsible I really am, but you just see me as a kid who needs to be controlled. I'm starting to wonder what your definition of 'controlled' means. If you mean that any household rules and/or responsibilities mean controlled - then I guess you are right. As you will find out at some point, there MUST be some order to a family. You suffered under the rule of cleaning your bathroom once a week, maybe...if you felt like it. Or how about the 'control' of the phone I was paying for. I thought the rules of decency were good for this. Such as no middle of the night calls, no calling or texting during school (teachers thank me for this). Or maybe the one that says, "homework before play". I think the very worst and most oppressive one was 'tell the truth.' Hmmmm....I am blanking on any other rules around here.... can you think of any that I am missing? Yes, you do hear sarcasm in my voice.
Just like every other kid out there I have given into peer pressure and tried a couple things which I'm sure you already know, but that was out of curiosity and I don't do those things. I am very responsible when it comes to things like that and to me it feels like you think I can't handle myself in the real world. I know I am responsible when it comes to big decisions like sex, drugs, etc. and I wish you would appreciate that. I know Tiffany completely screwed up her life a long time ago by dropping out of school, sleeping around, drugs?, drinking? who knows, but I am a different person and told myself a long long time ago that I was not going to be like her or anyone from my biological family.
If you are not dropping out of school, then why have you not been attending?
I am doing well on my own and working more hours, still going to school, not having sex, applying for college regardless of whether or not I get in. I am trying to make something of my life. I'm motivated to do well and I want you to be a part of it. If I get in somewhere and find a way to get help paying for it, I really hope that I can spend breaks and holidays with you and the rest of the family.
I don't want to lose you as my mom - You know, Britt - that just shows how very little you know me.... In case you forgot - THAT will never happen....
or have us cut each other out of our lives like Tiffany - There is another thing you don't really know about me. Tiffany has never been 'cut out' of our lives. I have repeatedly tried to help her in so very many ways and she will not accept it. I will not try to help her any more but that does not mean she is 'cut out' - SHE has made the choice to ignore me for the last year. There is nothing I can do about that.
As for you making the choice to cut us out of your life, that is too bad, because we have always loved you and treated you fairly. You have been given much much more than most kids, but it doesn't seem to be enough for you.
because you are my one and ONLY mom and you proved it a long time ago, but at some point you have to let go and let me grow up and make decisions on my own and let me deal with the consequences good or bad. I have NO IDEA what you are talking about. I have never shielded you from the consequences of your choices. Let me state an example. A couple of years ago, your grades and attitudes started going downhill. I talked to you about the possible consequence of homeschooling you if you couldn't pull it together. You continued on your downhill slide for the next entire year, until you started lying to us on a regular basis (example: going somewhere other than where you said you were going.) When you made those choices, you also made choices for the consequences, which, at the time, was homeschool. I 'let you go' a long time ago - you just did not see it. Someday you will, I promise.
That is the only way I can truly learn to take care of myself because I won't always have you there to save me. I am a big girl now and I need you to see that you have done an amazing job with me, What is amazing? You left us for greener pastures, why do you say amazing..... what does that really mean?
but its time for me to do it on my own. I would love you to be a part of things I do such as college because its a big thing and I want my parents to be a part of it.
Me moving out never really had anything to do with you. It did at first because I wanted to get away because I felt like was suffocating, but now I just think it will be a good experience for me. I became to bitter and unpleasant towards everyone and I know you think it was because of my friends, but I was irritated with them all the time too. I was adopted when I was seven and saw my birth parents up until then and I don't know what or why I became emotionally challenged, but my guess is something to do with them. It's time to stop blaming others and take responsibility for your own actions.
I need my friends in my life and when you would do things to keep me away from them, ....such as....? Oh, you mean making you stay home to finish homework? Or staying home when you got grounded for sneaking out the window? Things like that? THOSE WERE YOUR CHOICES not mine.
I became depressed and a jerk. I really don't want to be like that anymore. All that building anger and frustration wasn't helping anyone and it just drove us a part.
I feel like you blame yourself for all of the kids major screw ups. This isn't fair to yourself. Everyone made decisions for themselves and none of that stuff was ever your fault. I wish you could let that go. That is another way you don't know me. I don't blame myself. I did at first with Tiffany, until I found that this was typical for an unattached child. I did not make the choices for ANY of you and will not take the blame. I have just wanted to be the soft place to fall when times get rough. You will soon find that your choices matter - but not until you live in the REAL WORLD.
None of the kids will say what they did was your fault. We all LOVE YOU mom. You're a great mom because you care sooo much about all of us. I also feel like that was why you were more controlling of me because you didn't want me to be a "failure." I never expected you to be a failure. In fact, I do believe I have voiced quite the opposite to you. But that doesn't seem to count.
In some ways, I may seem like your "last chance" and i just want to tell you that you most definitely aren't a failure with me or the other kids. If I saw you as my 'last chance' then that would mean I 'failed' with the others. I don't see it that way at all. The three older kids have ALL made mistakes - huge and disappointing ones. But they continue on the path to health and have not run away from their problems.
Ali has everything going for her, You have absolutely NO IDEA what Ali has had to go through. She had it pretty rough when she was younger. Plus she, being the oldest, had TONS of rules. Many, many more than you even knew existed. Parents usually do that with their first and then they get smart. You have always been so jealous of her that you have not taken the time to know how and why she ticks. You only look on the surface. Too bad, because you are missing out on a pretty great sister.
Peter, yes he and Andy made huge mistakes, but he is an amazing young man because of his guidance from you and dad, Andy- I have no clue what is going on with him ever but he seems pretty well put together, Tiffany, no one can help her she has to help herself, and me I have a bright future.
I haven't made dumb mistake like drugs and sex like the other kids since I've been on my own, No, maybe you have not made those mistakes. But the mistake you have made was to hurt me deeply. Your choices now will define so much of your future life.
You are fooling yourself when you say "I am on my own." You are not. When you are paying all of your own bills and not depending on others, then you are on your own. You have been manipulating people around you and that is not a good character quality.
I'm applying for college and working. Most of the time you got after me for my grades...grades compared to jail is not bad. HUH? That makes no sense. Are you saying that you have done so much better than the boys? Comparing yourself to others is not a good thing. It makes you look like you think you are better than them.
YOU DID GREAT WITH ME and I'm not just saying this. I can't tell you how many adults have told me what a responsible person I am and its because I have learned so much from you and dad!
Sorry, Britt, but you did not learn to skip school and ignore your family from us. That is not responsible. Maybe in some areas you are, but you have quite a ways to go.
You need to believe it too! I'm sure moving out hurt you and I am truly sorry for it, but its not about you.
You talk out of both sides of your mouth. It WAS about me and how controlling you think I was...
This is for me and I want you to be in my life again and I guess now it's your decision whether you want to or not. I really hope you do soon and will encourage me now.
So, how is it working out for you? I imagine that it gets pretty lonely when you don't have a mommy around to hug and kiss, and a daddy who makes you laugh. Is it getting rough yet?
I love you mom and always will!!!!!
Love,
Britt
So here's the deal, Britt. Of course we want you in our lives. Why wouldn't we? But I have learned a few things over the past few years and I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made with Tiffany.
I can't explain in a letter everything I have learned, but one thing is that I am not going to take the blame and responsibility for your poor choices. I am very sorry that your family of origin was not good to and for you. However, we committed to loving you when we adopted you in 1998, and we have not stopped. Nonetheless, I will not be manipulated or taken advantage of by you or anyone else any longer, such as when you only contact us when you need something or want to use us somehow. I will defend myself when I learn about your lies. I will not tolerate it.
I allowed Tiffany to do it until I caught on to her and I am wiser now. I will no longer allow anyone to 'punch me in the gut' after I love them so well. I have no regrets in how I raised and encouraged you. I am sorry, however, that you pushed me away and would not allow me to love you. But only you can change that.
Someday, you will look back and be sorrowful at this episode in your life. I'm sure we will be fine eventually, but there will always be a scar.
Meanwhile, my life goes on and there is an empty spot where you were.
Love,
Mom
Here is my answer to a letter that Britt sent me and I answered it in red. Keep in mind, these are NOT her words! She can barely speak a full intelligible sentence and when she writes, she uses poor sentence structure and "text talk" -
Britt,
I need to start out by saying that no matter what you do, you know that we will always love you. We have told you that every day of the 11 years you were with us.
I have stay pretty calm and even about your antics up until now. There is one thing I will no longer tolerate, and that is to have my daughter lying about me, which is a direct attack on my character. I know that you have told different people different stories about why you are not living at home. You have manipulated the truth to say whatever makes them feel the most sorry for you. When I found out that you told the school that you were kicked out of our house and not allowed to live here, I finally got very, very angry. I'm sure you have told many variations of that story to others. Do you feel better about yourself when you lie about me?
I suggest you stop burning your bridges.
Since you are talking to everyone but me, I thought I would address this and a few other things as well.
One of your complaints to others is that I did not answer your email. There are a couple of reasons why:
1.) Although the email may state your feelings, I KNOW you did not write it. You have never spoken that way in your life and I am certain there are some words and concepts you stated that you are not familiar with. Therefore, I did not want to respond to someone else's words.
2.) Dad and I sent you an email some time ago that you did not answer.
3.) I do not like to communicate solely through email and certainly not text. So if you have a question or something to say, please call and we can meet.
I am going to copy and paste your email and respond to it line by line in BLUE. That way, you can hear what I have to say about these things.
Mom,
Thank you so much for the information that you have given me already for the applications and submitting the financial aid form for me. I really appreciate it. I've been trying to figure out the best way to explain my thoughts and feelings for the past week.
I never said "I don't have a good life," Yes, you have said (and I quote,) "My life sucks.."
I have a great life compared to others and you have taught me a lot and given me soooo much and I am truly thankful. Never noticed - you not only do not SAY thanks, you act ungratefully, unless you want something from us
Like I have told everyone else, I am not mad anymore. I did leave angry, but I think now with the time away and me getting to experience doing things on my own,
we will be able to have that relationship we never really had. And what relationship is that, Brittany? The one where we talk and do things together? That takes two people, not just me trying and you pouting when you don't get exactly what you want.
There has been so much anger and tension between us and I don't want that anymore, I want to be able to talk to you about everything and hangout, but when I was home it got to the point where i would leave very early for school and not come back until late when I could have easily worked at home. I spent so much time in my room because I wanted and needed space. Space? What the heck does that mean? Anger? From whom? Tension? One sided, except when you made poor choices.
To me it felt for the longest time that you were so controlling of my life Operative word here - FELT - you tell me WHAT and HOW I controlled you. So far, when asked, you have not been able to give me an example. Really, I would love to hear a good example.
and so protective because you didn't want me to end up like Tiffany and that's not fair to me. You apparently forgot HOW MANY, MANY TIMES I said to you that you were NOT Tiffany and I never for one moment expected or said ANYTHING that even remotely put that expectation on you. I do believe that you must have said it to yourself. In this house, you were not compared to your sister....ever. And THAT'S not fair to me.
Tiffany and I aren't the same people, I have a mind of my own and I just wish you could actually realize how responsible I really am, but you just see me as a kid who needs to be controlled. I'm starting to wonder what your definition of 'controlled' means. If you mean that any household rules and/or responsibilities mean controlled - then I guess you are right. As you will find out at some point, there MUST be some order to a family. You suffered under the rule of cleaning your bathroom once a week, maybe...if you felt like it. Or how about the 'control' of the phone I was paying for. I thought the rules of decency were good for this. Such as no middle of the night calls, no calling or texting during school (teachers thank me for this). Or maybe the one that says, "homework before play". I think the very worst and most oppressive one was 'tell the truth.' Hmmmm....I am blanking on any other rules around here.... can you think of any that I am missing? Yes, you do hear sarcasm in my voice.
Just like every other kid out there I have given into peer pressure and tried a couple things which I'm sure you already know, but that was out of curiosity and I don't do those things. I am very responsible when it comes to things like that and to me it feels like you think I can't handle myself in the real world. I know I am responsible when it comes to big decisions like sex, drugs, etc. and I wish you would appreciate that. I know Tiffany completely screwed up her life a long time ago by dropping out of school, sleeping around, drugs?, drinking? who knows, but I am a different person and told myself a long long time ago that I was not going to be like her or anyone from my biological family.
If you are not dropping out of school, then why have you not been attending?
I am doing well on my own and working more hours, still going to school, not having sex, applying for college regardless of whether or not I get in. I am trying to make something of my life. I'm motivated to do well and I want you to be a part of it. If I get in somewhere and find a way to get help paying for it, I really hope that I can spend breaks and holidays with you and the rest of the family.
I don't want to lose you as my mom - You know, Britt - that just shows how very little you know me.... In case you forgot - THAT will never happen....
or have us cut each other out of our lives like Tiffany - There is another thing you don't really know about me. Tiffany has never been 'cut out' of our lives. I have repeatedly tried to help her in so very many ways and she will not accept it. I will not try to help her any more but that does not mean she is 'cut out' - SHE has made the choice to ignore me for the last year. There is nothing I can do about that.
As for you making the choice to cut us out of your life, that is too bad, because we have always loved you and treated you fairly. You have been given much much more than most kids, but it doesn't seem to be enough for you.
because you are my one and ONLY mom and you proved it a long time ago, but at some point you have to let go and let me grow up and make decisions on my own and let me deal with the consequences good or bad. I have NO IDEA what you are talking about. I have never shielded you from the consequences of your choices. Let me state an example. A couple of years ago, your grades and attitudes started going downhill. I talked to you about the possible consequence of homeschooling you if you couldn't pull it together. You continued on your downhill slide for the next entire year, until you started lying to us on a regular basis (example: going somewhere other than where you said you were going.) When you made those choices, you also made choices for the consequences, which, at the time, was homeschool. I 'let you go' a long time ago - you just did not see it. Someday you will, I promise.
That is the only way I can truly learn to take care of myself because I won't always have you there to save me. I am a big girl now and I need you to see that you have done an amazing job with me, What is amazing? You left us for greener pastures, why do you say amazing..... what does that really mean?
but its time for me to do it on my own. I would love you to be a part of things I do such as college because its a big thing and I want my parents to be a part of it.
Me moving out never really had anything to do with you. It did at first because I wanted to get away because I felt like was suffocating, but now I just think it will be a good experience for me. I became to bitter and unpleasant towards everyone and I know you think it was because of my friends, but I was irritated with them all the time too. I was adopted when I was seven and saw my birth parents up until then and I don't know what or why I became emotionally challenged, but my guess is something to do with them. It's time to stop blaming others and take responsibility for your own actions.
I need my friends in my life and when you would do things to keep me away from them, ....such as....? Oh, you mean making you stay home to finish homework? Or staying home when you got grounded for sneaking out the window? Things like that? THOSE WERE YOUR CHOICES not mine.
I became depressed and a jerk. I really don't want to be like that anymore. All that building anger and frustration wasn't helping anyone and it just drove us a part.
I feel like you blame yourself for all of the kids major screw ups. This isn't fair to yourself. Everyone made decisions for themselves and none of that stuff was ever your fault. I wish you could let that go. That is another way you don't know me. I don't blame myself. I did at first with Tiffany, until I found that this was typical for an unattached child. I did not make the choices for ANY of you and will not take the blame. I have just wanted to be the soft place to fall when times get rough. You will soon find that your choices matter - but not until you live in the REAL WORLD.
None of the kids will say what they did was your fault. We all LOVE YOU mom. You're a great mom because you care sooo much about all of us. I also feel like that was why you were more controlling of me because you didn't want me to be a "failure." I never expected you to be a failure. In fact, I do believe I have voiced quite the opposite to you. But that doesn't seem to count.
In some ways, I may seem like your "last chance" and i just want to tell you that you most definitely aren't a failure with me or the other kids. If I saw you as my 'last chance' then that would mean I 'failed' with the others. I don't see it that way at all. The three older kids have ALL made mistakes - huge and disappointing ones. But they continue on the path to health and have not run away from their problems.
Ali has everything going for her, You have absolutely NO IDEA what Ali has had to go through. She had it pretty rough when she was younger. Plus she, being the oldest, had TONS of rules. Many, many more than you even knew existed. Parents usually do that with their first and then they get smart. You have always been so jealous of her that you have not taken the time to know how and why she ticks. You only look on the surface. Too bad, because you are missing out on a pretty great sister.
Peter, yes he and Andy made huge mistakes, but he is an amazing young man because of his guidance from you and dad, Andy- I have no clue what is going on with him ever but he seems pretty well put together, Tiffany, no one can help her she has to help herself, and me I have a bright future.
I haven't made dumb mistake like drugs and sex like the other kids since I've been on my own, No, maybe you have not made those mistakes. But the mistake you have made was to hurt me deeply. Your choices now will define so much of your future life.
You are fooling yourself when you say "I am on my own." You are not. When you are paying all of your own bills and not depending on others, then you are on your own. You have been manipulating people around you and that is not a good character quality.
I'm applying for college and working. Most of the time you got after me for my grades...grades compared to jail is not bad. HUH? That makes no sense. Are you saying that you have done so much better than the boys? Comparing yourself to others is not a good thing. It makes you look like you think you are better than them.
YOU DID GREAT WITH ME and I'm not just saying this. I can't tell you how many adults have told me what a responsible person I am and its because I have learned so much from you and dad!
Sorry, Britt, but you did not learn to skip school and ignore your family from us. That is not responsible. Maybe in some areas you are, but you have quite a ways to go.
You need to believe it too! I'm sure moving out hurt you and I am truly sorry for it, but its not about you.
You talk out of both sides of your mouth. It WAS about me and how controlling you think I was...
This is for me and I want you to be in my life again and I guess now it's your decision whether you want to or not. I really hope you do soon and will encourage me now.
So, how is it working out for you? I imagine that it gets pretty lonely when you don't have a mommy around to hug and kiss, and a daddy who makes you laugh. Is it getting rough yet?
I love you mom and always will!!!!!
Love,
Britt
So here's the deal, Britt. Of course we want you in our lives. Why wouldn't we? But I have learned a few things over the past few years and I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made with Tiffany.
I can't explain in a letter everything I have learned, but one thing is that I am not going to take the blame and responsibility for your poor choices. I am very sorry that your family of origin was not good to and for you. However, we committed to loving you when we adopted you in 1998, and we have not stopped. Nonetheless, I will not be manipulated or taken advantage of by you or anyone else any longer, such as when you only contact us when you need something or want to use us somehow. I will defend myself when I learn about your lies. I will not tolerate it.
I allowed Tiffany to do it until I caught on to her and I am wiser now. I will no longer allow anyone to 'punch me in the gut' after I love them so well. I have no regrets in how I raised and encouraged you. I am sorry, however, that you pushed me away and would not allow me to love you. But only you can change that.
Someday, you will look back and be sorrowful at this episode in your life. I'm sure we will be fine eventually, but there will always be a scar.
Meanwhile, my life goes on and there is an empty spot where you were.
Love,
Mom
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