My Heart For Adoption

Recently, I have been through yet another personal journey that has rocked everything I thought I was square with.

For instance, without REALLY thinking I always subconsciously thought that going to church was my ticket to heaven. Of course, I knew that it was a relationship with Jesus, but the unspoken rule was that going to church was the outward sign that I had that relationship and was a true believer and "Christian."

Our lives have taken an odd turn in the past few years and I find myself NOT going to any church and STILL a very strong believer. In fact, I think my faith is stronger now, because I don't have the security of the church to fall on. My faith is truly on a solid rock, which the Bible says is Jesus.

There is an old hymn that says, "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame and wholly lean on Jesus' name. On Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand...."
The funny part of it was, is that we always sang it in church and it seems that I really was not trusting in Jesus, but it was the church that I was trusting in.

Now, don't go thinking I am putting churchgoers down. It was a very important part of my life for over 50 years...it's a part of the very fiber of who I am. I think about going to a church almost every Sunday morning....but I just don't get excited about it, so I stay home.

So rather than making anymore 'arguments' and excuses for no church, I want to share one big thing that has been on my heart.

When we first moved back to Southern California, and because of the bizarre twist my job took, I wondered what the heck!? Did we feel so right about coming back just to get kicked in the teeth? I wondered why I was put in a job among corrupt church leaders for such a short time. I kept asking what it was that I was here for?

I was surrounded by widows, orphans those rejected by the church that is supposed to help and love them like Jesus loved - and it hit me that I wanted to pay attention to a scripture that I have ended up living out during my life and didn't even realize it. It says:
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:26-27

Since I have personally adopted orphans and have befriended widows and those abandoned by "the church" ....and now we are working with seniors who are also widows... I figured we were doing some right things.

Please don't think for a minute that I think I am pure and faultless - but it says that THIS is the thing that God accepts as pure religion.

Since then, I have been giving to real religious matters, and that is adoptions. I am not adopting anymore children myself, but am trying to help those who are....THEY are the ones on the front lines.

If anyone reading this feels compelled to give as well, I have a few ideas for you. On my sidebar, I have put buttons up for some people that are practicing their religion by actually LIVING it.

I have personally checked out and donated to all of the adoptions that I have posted here and will not put anything that I have not checked out or personally donated to. I will try to write more about the individuals later.

But I was wrong....

Well, my intentions were to start writing more positive posts....mostly because I thought things were going a wee bit better.

But I was wrong.

This post is about Tiffany. She is 21 now. I thought that at 21 a sort of maturity starts to set in.

But I was wrong.

She called 4 weeks ago to ask my advice about the second boyfriend she has been shacking up with. He told her he doesn't want her anymore. He is cheating on her and tells her so...."should I break up?"

In my mind I say "no shit sherlock" - but on the phone I say, "Well, it sounds to me like he only wants you for sex when it is convenient for him. What more do you need to hear? He said he doesn't want to be with you anymore."

I continue to cast my pearls.... "You need someone who will cherish you. You need to be single for awhile and learn to love yourself. You need to see yourself the way God sees you...." etc.

It sounds like she is really taking it to heart. She vows to break up with him and hold her head high like I advised her.

She stays with him and asks me how much it costs to go to England because she wants to spend her leftover college money on taking him there. Dumb.

Awhile before that she asked for advice about a nasty rash. I figure it is an std and find a clinic in the city she lives in for her to go to. She asks what is an std? Apparently that public education didn't do much in that area. She says she didn't go because she didn't have the bus fare. Besides, the recurring oozing rash is better.

She calls several more times for advice, I give it, she does the opposite. Keep in mind that I never really EXPECT her to take my advice, but I feel compelled to give her the 'rightest' answer that I can...it's a mom thing.

She texts me frantically the other day for more advice. Do I think she should go to the beach house that she and her boyfriend were invited to before they broke up (they are broken up but still living together...) and she got time off work and some of her friends will be there and she really wants to go but he does not want her there and does not even want to be her friend?

I say no, you should not go. He will only make you feel bad about yourself and cause drama and you don't need that. She asks my oldest daughter the same question and she gave her the same answer I gave her. She is going to go anyway.

Today she is looking for an apartment in the town and state she lives in, which is not the same as ours. She calls me and talks about a studio apartment that she is looking at but they charge $250 deposit for cats. I explained that she is getting a deal because that is a low deposit for pets.

She texts me later and asks if we could help her out with that deposit so she could get into the $540 per month apartment. I ask her how much she makes per month. She doesn't know but thinks it is about $400. I point out that she still needs more money for the other deposit, monthly rent, utilities, groceries, cat food and litter, transportation to work and school and wondered if she had counted the cost yet and what is the plan to pay for the monthly expenses?

John texts her some fatherly advice like maybe thinking again about the military or some education because she cannot afford to pay for an apartment on her own and she doesn't want to end up with another shack up situation where she is disrespected by these guys, etc. It was kind, but firmly the truth.

That is when we got "dis-parented" - or maybe it was a divorce from her...

She texted him back and asked why is it that her only parents won't help her and always belittle and put her down. We never have faith in her and don't think she can do anything.

huh?

She went on to say that she wishes we had never adopted her and never wants to talk to or see either one of us ever again.

So there.

I guess I was wrong....about everything.

I Just Keep Wondering....Was It Worth It?

I hope to post more positive things....someday. I just feel I have to dialog what people don't want to talk about.

One of the things that a friend said to me while we were trying to decide whether or not to adopt our older siblings (anything over 3 is considered older... ours were 7 and 9) was this: "It's not wrong to do this." That did help me and there were many other things pointing to us doing this.
That said, my older sibling group adoption experience has been very impacting on my other children and much of it has been negative. I am working on trying to undo and re-balance.

I just have to be honest and say FOR ME - that if you take all of the "God" stuff out of it, I would NEVER do it again. But, I cannot take out the fact that we really felt that this is what we were supposed to do. So, if you ask me if I regret having done this, I will not know how to answer.

I get very frustrated when I hear people saying that there are so many kids that need adopting and so why doesn't everyone do it? I used to think that all a child needed was a loving home to flourish in....(I was wrong.) I see movies like "The Blind Side" (which I LOVED!) and know that there are those stories out there, but there are also many other stories, such as the woman who "returned" her Russian adopted son. She was so criticized and judged, but nobody but NOBODY understands the hopelessness she is experiencing unless they have walked in that person's shoes.

I have a friend who adopted siblings from Romania and one of the children was so dangerous physically and sexually at the age of 12 that the 'authorities' told her that if she let her child stay in the home, they would take her other kids and charge her with child endangerment. If she made her abusive child leave the home, they would charge her with child abandonment! You cannot make stuff like this up! The story did not end well.

The judgment that was passed on me while struggling to raise these 'damaged' children in a strong, loving and godly home, was almost more than I could bear. The reason you don't hear these stories is because of the shame and guilt that is attached to the parent who just cannot seem to get it right. They think it is something wrong with THEM! If it had not been for ONE friend who was going through a similar situation and a book that I kept next to my Bible called, "Can This Child Be Saved?" I would not have "survived" it all.

Every single person who judged me (I won't name names, but I know who they were) did not wear my shoes. Actually, two people tried my shoes on for a few weeks and months (by taking my children in, for my sanity) and they brought them back to me and said, "I was wrong - I had no idea....but now I do."

I am truly not trying to discourage people from adopting older siblings, there are questions, however, that you don't even know to ask, and even if you did - it's a 'crap shoot' anyway. The agencies tell you what they want you to know, and it isn't always the truth.

The good news is: our lives are not finished, nor are theirs. We continue to "parent" through the beginning of their adulthood in the way we think is best. I do have hope that they will come out somewhere on this side of decency and do not perpetuate their birthparents dance with drugs and abuse.

We are busy trying to 'undo' the damage on our original family. I do believe that they will also, in their grown-up years, see everything as a good thing and I hope it will help them be compassionate people.

I just keep wondering if it was worth it.

Why reunification?

"...but of course, reunification is always the goal."

I have heard this said so very many times and wonder why reunification is always the goal.... ?? Why would it be the goal to reunify children with their drug addicted, abusive parents? Because of blood?

You tell that to my daughters who we got when they were 7 and 9 and already damaged beyond complete repair. They will always carry scars and baggage because some system thought it was a good idea to continue to try to reunify them with parents who kept making the decision that drugs and money were more important than these precious lives.

If 'the system' would have seen the importance of their wholeness, they would not have to go through their lives with the many and varied problems they have.

Each time I hear someone say this I wonder why... and I wonder what kind of life they could have had if we had been allowed to adopt them younger.

Where Do They Go?

Where does a young boy go when he is not good enough for his mother?
He works harder to be a 'good boy.'

Where does that boy go when he finds that he is still not good enough?
He goes underground. He does the dance that pleases her, but does not walk in truth. He makes that chameleon-like dance his way of life.

Where does a young man go when he has performed his way through childhood and young adulthood?
He finds a woman to marry that is not good enough. He tries to drown out the 'not good enough' sounds with chasing money and other women. It is not good enough for him. Amid all of the performances, he forgot who he really was.

Where does a young woman go when she is not good enough for her husband?
She works harder to be a 'good wife.' She looks better, she gives him what he asks, but she does not walk in truth. She is still not good enough.

Where does a young mother go when she is not good enough for her husband?
She works harder to be a 'good mother and good wife.' She molds herself into what she thinks he wants. She is still not good enough.

She is not good enough. She has lost her true self. Amid all of the performances, she forgot who she really was.

Where does a middle aged, hollowed out woman go when she finds herself lost?
Her children have given her good enough grandchildren.
She knows that she is still not good enough, but starts to wonder why? She is weary of the performances and cannot seem to keep the lies that are her life as straight as she used to.

She starts to remember glimpses of the good little girl she used to be. She remembers that she was good enough for her mother, she was good enough for her family and friends long ago.

....wait! She was once beautiful and good and strong and wise! She suddenly looks into the mirror of the past and remembers!

Where does she go?
She goes into the arms of someone who sees that she is better than good enough!
She goes to her mother who has always thought she was the best!
She goes back and remembers the truth about herself. She stops listening to the talk that tells her that she has never been good enough and starts really hearing the truth of what God says about her.

She was formed by God himself! Of course she is good enough!

Where does an old man go, who was never good enough for his mother and found that his wife was never good enough for him?

Life has a way of rumpling things....like names.

Take ours, for instance....a name that was synonymous with violence, drunkenness, murder and robbery in the home towns that John's family grew up in.

When it became my name, I laundered it, pressed it and was very careful to keep it hanging nicely. I silenced the ghosts from the past and I was proud that in our hometown, people associated our name with good and respectful things....tidy things.

...but life has a way of rumpling people.....and names...
Like the crease from the husband who lived through depression...
or the messiness from the sons who were arrested on drug charges...
How about the big crinkles from the daughter who has lived with violent boyfriends?
Then there is a large black spot from the daughter who left home and told everyone many things about us that were untrue....and untidy.
The disheveled list goes on and on. And try as I might, I can no longer protect our name from the mess.
We are undone people and must learn to live in the untidiness of humanity.

.... our Father still loves us no matter how rumpled our name gets.

My Heart

My heart has completed its breaking. I feel numb and stony about my daughters who refuse my love.

....so I will rant and vent for a moment...

Brittany sent a mass text message out that her graduation was to be June 5th and wanted everyone to come. Call me old fashioned, but I would have liked at least a call or personal invite....I am, after all, the mother here. Besides that fact, I have made it clear to her several times over that I will no longer be communicating with her through text message and that if she wants to talk with me, she can either call or is welcome to come over.

Last Thursday, Brittany's teacher and advisor called me, once again, to find Brittany. She had not been showing up, once again, for class and was, once again....not returning phone calls. Her teacher told me that she was definitely not going to graduate. She said she had gone out on a limb for her and Brittany had taken advantage of her (once again!)

I also explained to the teacher that she had not logged any PE hours and that I would not lie just to pass her (this was a home study class).

When I got off of the phone with the teacher, that was final...she could graduate next year as a "super senior" - but had not put forth the effort to graduate this year.

One week later, our son reminded us that Britt was graduating and wondered if we were going? I said, "No, she is not graduating- I just talked to her teacher..."

This morning I called the teacher again and told her that I had heard 'through the grapevine' that she was still graduating - and she said, "Well, it looks like she pulled it together...." Which really meant, "She manipulated us again...." She said they are allowing her to walk if she promised to finish her class....DUH!

Then, I boldly asked her the question that had been burning on my heart... "Why, at the first of the year, did you require a PE class for credit when she must not need the credit to graduate - since she DID NOT log even a fraction of the hours she was required to? I mean, she obviously didn't really need it. The teacher told me (for the first time) that it changed when she moved out of our home and that she told her she is doing her PE and that I don't really need to sign of on it! Trust me...I absolutely have NO DOUBT that Brittany has her teacher manipulated to the point that she wants her.

Tonight was her pretend graduation, so my husband and I decided to go out to dinner instead of pretending that our daughter was graduating. We thought a lot about it and decided that we are tired of being used.

She had the audacity to send us each a text message saying, "Thanks for showing up for my graduation."

I have already cried many, many tears today and just when I think I am dried up, I start in again. I think I am done for the night.

Judge me all you want....I am used to it. What I am also quite familiar with is that phone call or conversation AFTER someone has been used up by either one of the girls, that says..."oh, now I understand what you meant...."

I am quite familiar with the smug suggestions of younger parents who have not walked in my shoes or on the same path I have.... the ones who get their parenting skills from a magazine, book or college class.... trust me....I know....I was one of those.

Go ahead walk in my shoes....I dare you... or better yet - wear MY heart for awhile. You WILL want to give it back.